Tears in a Bottle

When do they stop? …the tears I mean… and the bigger question is: Do I want them to? He was born for me in 1987 on this day. He was a gift from a beautiful young woman who could not give him what he needed in his life at the time. He has made me laugh and cry more than any other human being ever has and ever will. He is lost in a sea of add*ction. 

I still hope. the Proverbs say, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick…” by that measure, my heart is nearly stopped by now. 

What shall I do with all of the tears? The Psalm says, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” 

So today I will celebrate the joy of my boy’s birth. I will count on my mourning being turned into dancing.

GRATEFUL AGAIN....

 Grateful again….

Today, February 6th, is my birthday. One year ago I was freshly out of two long and painful weeks in the hospital only after two long months of unexplained pain and “suffering in silence”. I had embarked on one of the strangest “adventures” I had ever been on. The year has gone fast in slow motion… I felt like I no longer had any control over my life and health.

Truth is, what I did and do still have control of is my ATTITUDE. I know I have quoted him before, but among my all-time favorites is from Viktor Frankl in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, he says “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

It hasn’t been easy - and still is not an everyday victory…. But all in all, I am so very grateful that God lets us choose how we want to live. When we make the choice for Joy and Healing, the very act of moving towards and through it is strengthening in and of itself.

Just because I live by my mantra “Choose Joy” - doesn’t mean I wake up joyful every morning. It doesn’t mean everyone I come into contact with walks away saying, “She sure is a joyful person” - not by a long shot. It just means that I have the choice and each time I choose it, it makes that muscle just that much stronger.

I have also chosen healing. Now, some of you think that you are not “healed” if you don’t wake up in the morning and magically feel better and ready to dance a jig. But even when Jesus did His miraculous healings while He walked the earth, he often asked something of the recipient of the miracle. For instance, the guy who couldn’t walk... He told him to pick up his bed and walk (John 5:8). This guy was used to laying on his bed and begging for help from people who walked by. Jesus told him to help himself by picking up his bed and changing the position of his body and my guess is that it also changed the position of his heart. It was by his intentional and obedient action of picking up his bed that healed him.

For me, this last year has been a change of many things including: diet, toxins in my body, environment, spiritual life and de-stressing my home and work life.

Detoxing my diet, body, and environment, de-stressing my home, work, and spiritual life.

Now THAT is a tall order! But by eating that “elephant” one bite at a time, it is getting there!

Those “good choice muscles” had gotten lazy and flabby. So I have embarked on a journey of healing that has made me “pick up my bed and walk.”

1. Change of diet. No, I’m not ON a diet - I have had to change the way I eat if I want to remain healthy. Yes, I have joined the “juicing” crowd. I am NOT a cook. In fact, I somewhat despise cooking food to just eat. (But that’s another conversation.) I studied up on what is GOOD for me from people who have gone through similar experiences (especially Chris Wark). I no longer trust what “experts” tell me. (That’s also another conversation). I simply buy or grow REAL whole, organic foods and juice them and make smoothies and take supplements and homemade herbal remedies NOT made by big pharma. I do not take any medication, just supplements. (CYA: I'm not telling you what to do... just what I am doing.) It takes a lot of effort and intentionality but every time I go back to eating certain “bad for me” things - my body gets pretty mad at me.

2. Detoxing: my body - also means “moving” more. I have been slow to pick up that bed and I have a million excuses. However, as I am flexing that muscle, I am feeling like my body may actually live for a few more years! This whole last year of illness and recovery has made me pretty lazy. It’s a work in progress! (Just to clarify - I do not and will never “go to the gym” - there are other ways.)

3. Detoxing: my environment - silly things like decluttering the shyte that I spent my younger years collecting. These are decisions that only I can make - and making them I am! It’s tough to decide which plaster of paris handprint or kindergarten self-portrait to keep….) It’s really slow because I still have to work and make money. I have even renovated my bathrooms and bedrooms with a cleaner, newer environment.

4. De-stressing: This should have probably been #1 on the list. I breathe a sigh of relief even as I write this. I won’t go into all of the details, but suffice it to say, my stress level (see this long ago post for more reference) was off the charts. I’m working on a more peaceful work and home life. I have a room that I call my “Peace Room”, and don’t allow myself to “work” in there. I can write, read, paint, dream, and pray. To be fair, I haven’t completely left politics out of my life - I feel it is so current that I don’t want to miss out on something important. However, as a rule, I am not engaging in social media conversation about it - but just keeping up. I’ve had to distance myself from those people (don’t worry - it’s not you….) who have been poisonous to my spirit. There is a LOT in that statement that I will not discuss in this writing.

5. Saving the best for last - God has been ever present with me. At the beginning of this all I asked Him for strategies to cross this raging river of illness. He presented me with all of the above and topped it off by reminding me that prayer is THE most important part of this. I am learning to flex those prayer muscles more and getting stronger. (I just read: "Draw the Circle" by Mark Batterson - highly recommend.)

Just know this: Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find. Now you have NO excuses why God heals others and not you.

Pick up your bed and walk.

What I have learned about cancer…. So far

 

As you may or may not know – I have been visited by the “c” word this past year. And I am definitely learning a thing or two…

 

1.     Cancer surrounds & envelopes you. It becomes who you are for a time. You wake and think about it, you try to sleep and it infuses your mind and thoughts. If not checked, it insidiously can become your identity – taking the place of who God says you are.

• Strategies I am using: Music to start my day and remember that “Today is the day that the Lord has made – I will rejoice and be glad in it…” My favorite for this one is an older one but it gets me going every time: “Today is the Day” by Lincoln Brewster. I have a few standards that helped me through the heartache of divorce and prodigal kids.

2.     Cancer is lonely. Even if you have love and support there is a certain part of your life that just hides away. Sometimes I get to feeling sorry for myself.

• Strategies I am using: Embrace the loneliness but remember those who love and support you. Don’t hide away and let that feeling sorry for yourself last no longer than 5 minutes!

3.     Cancer is not the end. The Bible says “for to me to live is Christ and to die is gain.” So either way I win! If I live – I get to continue loving my family and friends – but if my body dies, I GET to go to heaven! 

• Strategies I am using: Reminding myself through the word that I know the end of my story.

4.     Cancer = Fear. That is - if you let it. Don’t let it! It can actually make you physically worse!

• Strategies I am using: I still quote this scripture often to my kids: God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and love and of a sound mind. Now I quote it to myself.

5.     Cancer creates a sort of chaos in your very being. Chaos and negativity makes everything worse.

• Strategies I am using: I have changed my environment to a healthier one. People who don’t respect you need to take a back seat to your healing. Those who take without giving need to be somewhere else besides where you are.

 

What I have learned about myself in this process …. So far

1.     I am not a particularly compassionate person when it comes to illness. I consider myself Kathy Bates-like (in the movie “Misery”). 

2.     I’m pretty sure I am beginning to understand illness better. I’ve always thought to myself: just brush it off and it will be all better. That’s because I have not been ill much, and when I have been, I tend to brush it off until….

3.     I am not particularly fond of western medicine and the cancer industry, nor do I have much faith or respect. I can’t say that has changed a whole lot yet, but as I am passing through this all, I am adding some well-advised natural medicine to this cocktail to cure this disease. I am also realizing that those who are in the industry – by and large – are wonderful humans.

4.     I swore I would NEVER, EVER get chemo! Ask everyone in my family – I made it a point to look them square in the eye and say that to them. But I guess God had other plans.

 

God is good. He has never and will never change. That is why I know the end of the story. 

Today is the Day That I am Still

Well…an update huh? I’m feeling pretty good. Not as energetic as I am used to being, but I am heading that way. (Quick reminder: uterine c***er leading to 3 major surgeries in June and January leaving me with depleted strength and a friend ”Petunia” that I wear on the front of me.) (Not spelling the *c word because of ALL of the ads that I am getting!) (If you need further explanations - you can private message me.)

So, I am working toward a lifestyle change (healthy foods, less stress, exercise…)

But first... I am going to go through a series of radiation and low-dose chemo. Why am I doing something I stomped my feet and said I would NEVER do? …I don’t know… it just seems right at this time.

I have been asking God for peace and wisdom to make the right choices and although I can’t say I’ve had an epiphany about any of this, I am not sure there is a right or wrong choice right now. I’m a little disappointed that something wasn’t written in the sky or there was no note in a bottle for direction, but God continues to reinforce His love for me in many ways and at every turn.

Be assured: I am still unafraid.

“Be still and know that I am God.” The Hebrew meaning for “Be still” in that verse means to “Drop it.” What he was saying, was to drop your weapons to drop the things that you’re trying to use to win a battle that only God can win and to take refuge in God and watch Him go to war for you.

Be still: to be weak, to let go, to release.” Essentially, it means surrender. Surrender – in order that you may know…”

Today is the day that I stop trying to fix it in my strength, I will drop it so that He can pick it up and win the battle with His hands. Today is the day that I surrender and trust that God can do what He said He can do and all I have to do is take refuge in Him.

[partly from a reel by Candace Harmony Rivers]

So, here I am….taking refuge.

Gratitude For Years….Still Unafraid

Well, here I am. Sitting in an adjustable hospital bed. Not unpleasant, just not where I expected to be.

Before you get all worried, please know that I continue to trust God. 

I’ll try to delicately tell you about it without all the references to my bodily functions.

 

At the end of June (2022), I had my entire girlie parts removed because of uterine cancer. I was clear with no signs of anything leftover. I was unafraid then and I am unafraid now.

 

The beginning of November I began to have pain in my “nether regions”. The doc said it was probably just constipation (I can’t believe I just wrote that word…) Without going into detail, she was right…. Sorta.

 

After 2 months of constant pain and being in bed (THAT is not my jam!) I finally got a doc that really explored what was going on. 

 

*Quick note: If you know me very well, you know that going to doctors are not my thing. I would rather find out the root of the problem and take care of it as naturally as possible… but God had another plan. *

 

The CT scans, the MRI and the biopsy showed that there is a 6.2 cm mass above my vaginal cuff. (I’ll bet you didn’t even know you have a cuff there did you? Me neither.) That mass is bulging into the bowel/rectum (I can’t believe I am using these nasty words…) thereby create a pretty serious stoppage. What got me to the emergency room is a suspicion of sepsis. (spoiler alert….it was not that….)

 

The biopsy done on the mass showed cancer. So I have surgery scheduled for Tuesday at 1:00-ish.

 

Now the fun part – I just trust God…. And you can’t change my mind. Psalm 31 says:

 

“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

This I declare about the Lord:

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

    he is my God, and I trust him. “

 

__________________

Soooo, here I sit in room# 126 in Tucson Medical Center being grateful that God allows me to trust him! 

• Scared? Nope
• Pain? Yep! Lots…
• Do I know the plan? Yep! “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jer. 29:11.

And that, my friends, is ALL I need to know.

 

__________________

 

Gratitude for years…..

 

I’ve been trying to figure out why it is that I feel so much gratitude for this past year’s introduction to and living with cancer. I have always felt that if I just said the word “cancer” that would bring it on and jinx me somehow.

 

Here is the story: On May 5^th, I discovered some random bleeding from my girlie bits. Since it didn’t stop, I went to the doc and they discovered it was uterine (aka: endometrial) cancer. The solution was to rid me of my girlie bits and hope it worked! Well, June 28^th, I did just that and the follow-up biopsy confirmed the cancer was gone! 

 

The whole time leading up to that, I was unafraid and at complete peace no matter what. I didn’t conjure it up, it just was. God gave that peace to me. In fact, I felt it was important to start thinking more about what I leave behind on this earth. I had (and still have) a lot of things that mean much to me but absolutely NOTHING to anyone else in this world. I still have a ways to go but the purging has started.

 

After that, for the next four months, I was almost back to normal. I say almost because at my age, my body didn’t want to “bounce” back the way I had imagined it would… but overall, I felt pretty great. 

 

In November, I started getting all clogged up. The oncologist that did the June surgery said I was just constipated. So I went to work getting UN-constipated! November through mid-January saw me in bed, in pain most of the time. 

Finally, on Monday, January 9^th, my friend Lisa, took me to ER at TMC. After two doctors had called them to pre-admit me and they would not, I painfully waited in the waiting room for 6 hours to get a bed! They said it was too crowded. (There were VERY few people when I came in, but after awhile, there were so many waiting.) As I was finally being wheeled to a room, there were dozens of empty beds. 

 

I finally was settled into the TMC Women’s Center for the next week until they finally decided that they needed to remove the cancerous mass (see above for details.) 

So, January 24^th, I was released to figure things out.

 

__________________

 

So, here I am again. Still kickin’, albeit a bit slower and weaker…

 

Today I am entertaining uninvited tears that come at any odd moment. This is not something that I am accustomed to so writing about it may not be easy either.

What has been happening to my body is unfamiliar and unkind to a woman who has always behaved convincingly as a rootin’ tootin’ wonder woman!

 

My song in life is that I trust God. I really do! I have always relied on that one fact. So why do I feel like I am betraying that trust when I cry? I know I’m not, because I cannot think of a time in my ever-aging life that I have not trusted God. Not. one. moment.

 

My friends and family have been so very loving and kind. The prayers that you all have promised help immensely! I am ever so humbled by my friends – even those I didn’t know ever thought about me. 

 

But when I get alone, the tears come in place of the usual prayers of thankfulness. I’m still grateful, but are tears still ok? I’ve been told they are necessary… is that true? I prefer to cry on my own terms, but there is no room for that in my current circumstance.

 

So, what is wrong with me physically? Not sure anymore. Did they get all of the cancer? Don’t know yet…  Am I in pain? Some, but the drugs I do not love to take are keeping the pain in control.  I’m still weak from the life-altering surgery and need to do some pretty heavy self-talk to get myself back under control.

My main problem right now is trying to make friends with Petunia, my colostomy. I’m grateful that there is such thing that saves people’s lives, but it is so mortifying to have this as a possible long-term attachment. 

I have NEVER been “depressed” in my life – but I suppose this is the closest thing to it. I will not allow it to take hold, 

....but for now I just may let the tears flow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who Gets the Millstone....Hold the Coats or Protect the Innocent

“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea."

I had an epiphany today....

I’m listening to a presentation and just learned about the Boys and Girls Club of America having been involved in child sexual abuse for many years now. Tragic, but I always wondered…. 

Anyway, I realized that I tend to be naive… I trust the “system” too much… although that is probably a thing of the past now.

Here is my big reveal: In 1989, when it was discovered that two of my children along with many others, were being molested by our trusted Sunday school teacher and his wife and likely another, I trusted the system to bring justice to my family, my friends, and our church. This is not the place for details, but after riveting and convincing testimony by the children and the longest and costliest criminal trial in San Diego history, the abuser was acquitted in 1993. I could not wrap my mind around it. I still can’t.

To add insult to injury, he turned around and brought a civil suit to the church which made him a millionaire …. for molesting our children. Let that sink in.

My American justice system had failed us miserably. I have mourned and grieved for this for so many years… I have blamed it on the abuser and the media (who made these children and families a laughingstock.)

 
But today…. It occurred to me that the church had failed us as well and in the worst way. Stay with me on this…. I could be wrong - but I don’t think so. As a pastor’s daughter and wife for MOST of my life, I trusted the church “system” - until I didn’t. And that is now. 

At a time when the local and global church (this was national news) could have wrapped its arms around us all, they made improvements to the childcare/Sunday School area and then proceeded to let us all dangle as fools in front of the world. 

The “why” of it is what hit me tonight. The church was protecting its “good name.” The church calculatedly distanced itself from the victims and families who believed them. When push came to shove the “higher ups” denied that anything happened and even one lied on the stand and said nothing happened (after 4 years earlier telling me personally after examining one of my children that something “definitely” happened of a sexual nature.) A few years later, he committed suicide. 

So, the epiphany is that my local church, while I always thought we were the bride of Christ, hung back, held the coats, and watched while the world stoned our lambs.

The question is.... who gets the millstone around their neck?

More of How it is or Here I am Choosing Joy Again

 So... ya know that last thing I wrote about slowing down.... changing directions... choosing joy again? Remember the thing about the blood? Well, something has come into my life that I never expected.  It's the "C" word. I have been diagnosed with a very early stage of uterine/endometrial cancer. As I understand it, it is the "good" kind of cancer to have. If found early (like mine) they should be able to yank all of my girlie parts out and take the cancer with it. 

Before you go feeling sorry for me - please know this: I am not fearful AT ALL. I truly am at perfect peace. I know God has control. Staying here on earth is my plan for a few more years. I want to take time to love on my family and appreciate each and every one of them. But if God decides, I'll go and won't even be mad. You see.... he has already written the last chapter of all of our lives whether we approve or not. So getting mad about it is a waste of anyone's precious time. We all have an appointment and the way we leave is so much more important than we think.

I was reading back on an entry from 2011 that I called "I Choose Joy".  I was reminded that in 1992-93, I had a choice to make regarding how I was going to respond to a VERY difficult life situation. The bottom line was that I had come to a crossroads and I could have chosen either "life or death" and "blessings or curses." I was advised (by God) to "choose life so that you and your children will live." (from the Bible)

Now, I am at that crossroads yet again. As I write this, I see that once again, I need to show my children how to live and (eventually) die. Even though I am pretty confident it's not time quite yet, I want to show them the strength that only God gives. I want everyone around me to look and me and see Jesus. It's true...I really do.

So again.... I will wake up each day and choose the joy that is set before me...it is LIFE.