DO I MATTER STILL?

One of the things that I learned about myself while going through a 32 week intense group counseling time was that I did matter after all. For some reason, when I was little, I got the message that I didn't matter, nor did my feelings matter and it was reinforced throughout my life. So I stuffed a lot when I felt it unsafe to feel.... And I TRULY did not consider my feelings of any value. That is not a ploy to get you crying and feeling sorry for me nor did I really cognitively recognize it until a few years ago. But....it just is.

But I digress from my original thoughts.

Do I still matter?

Still matter to what or whom? 

This is the question that came to me today while processing my life as it is now. Because it is, thankfully, far and away from what it once was. The part of it that I am talking about is religion.

You see, I am not religious any more, and grateful for what I have been through to be able to say that. But every once in awhile when I talk to one of my still-in-religion friends, I am reminded of how deeply religion was ingrained into me.....and how hard it has been to shake those religious "demons" off.... those little ones that sneak up on me ever so quietly and says things like, "Really? You say you love God but you don't go to church?!" or when the subject of LGBT or abortion comes up, I do not have condemnation but I think that one one of the last things Jesus said before he left the earth was that everything was summed up into these two concepts: Love God....Love Others. No need to worry about the religious "rules." I don't get to judge anyone, just do those two things. That's it.

Please don't get me wrong....I am not boasting that I am any better than anyone and I truly do have respect for many religious folk, but feel a certain joy in being out of the quagmire that I was personally in for over 50 years of my life. I'm also not implying that if you go to church, you are religious. But if you think our salvation is tied to whether or not you go to church - you are who I am thinking about when I say this.

I have divorce, some very tough family issues and others' judgments of me to thank for jarring me out of the "trance."  Just because every word that comes out of my mouth is not in "christianese" doesn't mean my every breath is not from the Father. Just because I don't go to church every Sunday (or ever :) ) doesn't mean that each hour of each day is not a conversation with my Creator. Just because I don't post scriptures on facebook or share your "repost this or you don't love God" junk does not mean I don't matter to the One who is "especially fond of me." (to use a quote from "The Shack" by Wm. Paul Young.)

What got me thinking about this was that my upcoming very short wedding ceremony simply speaks to the love and commitment we have to one another and not a 'traditional' ceremony. At first I thought we needed something more "religious sounding" - because would it really be a wedding without it? After a bit of thought and examining my motivations, I say yes! It will be a wedding followed by a deeply fulfilling marriage. Because it is the inner stuff that matters more than what you see or hear on the outside.

I keep finding these cobwebbed corners of my religious mind and cleaning them out, and filling them with the joy that was intended for those corners rather than the dark rules that have confused and clouded me for so long.


So, to go back to my original question....Do I matter still?

Yes, I do matter and even though I don't talk the talk much anymore, I do walk the walk which leads me back to my HAPPY HEART.