How does a mother live in a constant state of mourning for an addicted child?
I mean....how does this even work? He's alive, yet I mourn. I mourn the loss of who he was and who I thought he was destined to be. Drugs and violence have snuffed out the life that he was meant for, yet he still lives, breathes and has a beating heart.
I'm on a rollercoaster of hope and emotions and I am hanging on for dear life and don't have any idea where it will end up.
My mother used to tell me, "It's in the Lord's hands." And I would counter, "But is it? I mean if God gives us free will and my child chooses to shoot heroin into his veins, then isn't it out of God's hands?" I wasn't trying to be a smarty pants, I just didn't (and still don't) understand. All I can figure is that it was one of those Christian platitudes that isn't really in the Scripture (is it?)
To be fair, I think her point was (maybe) that since I gave him to God when he was a baby, everything would turn out ok.
Don't get me wrong, I love God and know He has plans to give us all a hope and a future.... but we don't get to choose the path for our children. They have to choose their own.
You may disagree with this next statement, but I'm 99.9% sure I'm right. I will see my son in heaven someday no matter how and when our lives end. THAT is in Scripture. He will never leave us.
So.... back to the question at hand - How do I balance the mourning vs. living my life in joy? Does it have to be an either/or? Can it be a both/and? I mean... can I mourn yet still choose joy?
If I didn't mourn, I don't think I could breathe. If I didn't choose joy, I think my heart would stop.
So, I think I will continue to do both..... unless you have a better idea.
