All I can think is "Is he lonely?" When he is not in jail, I wonder if he is cold? Did anyone give him a warm jacket? After all, it is Seattle and so very cold and wet. Something a bridge doesn't give much shelter from. I would love to send him a jacket, but tents under bridges don't have an address.
Where does he get food? Do I even want to know?
I wonder if my Grandmother felt this sad when she didn't know where her sons were. Two of them disappeared into drugs and alcohol and for years she didn't know where they were - or even if they were alive. I only know he is alive when I see that he is in jail again. There is a little comfort in that.
I wonder if she wished she could hold them again. I wish I could hold him again.
I wonder if she blamed herself. I have blamed myself.
It's hard to believe anyone could cry as many tears as I have... but did she? How many tears did she cry in the dark of the night when she should have been sleeping? Mothers do not forget their children.
Did she plot and plan how she could rescue them? I do. But then, he's a grown man and doesn't have to do what I want him to do. The drug has such a grip on him that he no longer gets to choose.
Does he sit in his jail cell and plan on getting out of this mess now that he has gone through withdrawals? Only to have no one or nothing to help him when he gets out?
Does he wonder if God still loves him? Does he ever talk to God and ask questions? Does God answer? I wonder....
Does he remember what a beautiful and gifted person he used to be and long for himself again? I do... I long for my son again.
Beneath all of the poison in his veins lies a son whose mother longs for him and could not forget him if she tried. In spite of all of the things he has done to himself and others, I cannot do anything but cry and love this baby boy who was handed to me by God himself.
He is still that exuberant boy, that one that God created. Did my grandmother remember how sweet her boys were? Did her heart fill with love when she thought of them? Mine does.
I worry. I cry. I pray. I cry more. I move forward hoping that he gets rescued.
