UNTIL MY HEARTS RESTS AND TASTES THE SWEETNESS

I have been contemplating what a "worthless idol" is lately.

Okay, I admit, it's not a normal thing to think about, but ever since I read Jonah 2:8  "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs" it has been plaguing my mind.

I read this over a week ago and have been wondering why I haven't been able to write about it yet. I have been wondering why I stand in this "worthless idol" line.... I mean, I worship the One True God... not worthless idols... right?

While thinking about the time this has taken me to even THINK of what this scripture means for me, it hit me.... my "worthless idol" has been DOING.

I have found myself back in the "What am I going to do?" stage. (see ABIDE post) I mean, I have to find a job to take care of myself, right? I am not a very good sit-er around-er. So once again, I feel frantic.

....And, once again, I have put my DOING ahead of ABIDING.

So, what is my idol? As I ponder, I keep coming back to: me. Yes, ME.

Now, don't get me wrong - I don't worship myself or really think of myself as all that dandy... but every time I think of that elusive "job" I can't believe that with my experience and qualifications - someone hasn't snatched me up! After all, I am pretty darn good at what I do... but am I good at what I don't do?

I am beginning to see that my careers have given me a certain sense of significance.

√ In my first career, a student in high school and college I was always on the dean's list, was adored by my parents, teachers AND peers. They were all proud of me and I allowed other people to give me that position of significance.

√ My second career was an interior designer in Beverly Hills. Just reading that YOU are even impressed, aren't you? My mother bragged about me and this career many years after I left that industry.  I finally had to tell her that I was no longer in that field nor did I ever want to go back to the field where I earned my degree.

√ My third career was mother. One I am most proud of. But even being a mother to five children brings its heartaches...and lots of 'em. But my pride in my motherhood was kind of over the top. I created my own significance.

√ Concurrent with motherhood was another career that should have made me feel important and that was Pastor's wife. I loved all of the people that we came into contact with each day (well...most.) But I was not that impressed with myself in that role. I'm not sure why, but maybe that is good.

√ Real Estate Assistant and Marketing manager - loved it.

√ Here's another one: Bookstore Manager for a university. This is where I got so much opportunity and experience. Lots of love there.

√ Co-manager of a Retirement Community - everybody loved me.... significance!

So, here I am, saying "What the heck?" Look at all of my skills! You would be lucky to have me! But as I am looking over it all, I am discovering that there is a much deeper matter here. And that is my "worthless idols."

Mary Bell says, "Achievement is the alcohol of our time."  Am I so impressed with my achievements that I am drunk on myself? Ewww.... I hate the thought of that. And I thought I was so selfless. I guess I'm not.

My achievements have not been monetary, but made me feel like I was worth something.  Frankly, it really surprises me that I am that un-spiritual. I mean, don't I know that my worth comes from God? Yes, I know it in theory....but how about in practice? Yikes. I really cringe at this whole concept.

Look at Jonah, his worth was from his country - that is why he kept silent when his people worshipped carved images.  But God gave him another chance .... in the belly of the giant fish.

...and He is giving me another chance. So I have decided to take Him up on it. How do I do this? I am not sure yet, but I am going to start by repenting and rejoicing.

In his book, Counterfeit Gods, Tim Keller says:

"Rejoicing and repentance must go together. Repentance without rejoicing will lead to despair. Rejoicing without repentance is shallow and will only provide passing inspiration instead of deep change."

He also says:

"To rejoice is to treasure a thing, to assess its value to you, to reflect on its beauty and importance until your heart rests in it and tastes the sweetness of it. "Rejoicing" is a way of praising God until the heart is sweetened and rested, and until it relaxes its grip on anything else it thinks that it needs."

So, for now, I am going to relax my grip on what I think I need and wait for my heart to rest and taste the sweetness....

STANDING IN THE PLACE OF FORGIVENESS

Speaking of forgiveness... today is a very important day in the life of a Christ follower.

It is the day that we commemorate (too sporty), observe (too government-ish), think of (not important enough), remember (simple) the death on the cross of Jesus.

For all of my several more than 50 years, I have "done the Easter thing." You know, get new outfits for me and my family, make sure that the Easter baskets and candy was purchased and ready for the Easter Bunny to deliver them secretly on Easter morning, go to some Easter Egg hunts for the kids, prepare the Easter Ham so it will be ready for dinner on Sunday afternoon. Get up early on Easter and get all five kids ready for church and the big "Eggstravaganza" and Easter production, the kids can't wait to see if the live donkey in the play will poop on stage.

After I finish screaming at one of my kids for eating all of his Easter chocolate and getting it on his outfit, make one trip back home to get the pretty Easter gloves that go with baby girl's outfit, get to church early so we can get cute Easter pictures, but not early enough to get MY parking place and curse under my breath at Sister Jones for taking the last good spot. Pose the kids for their pictures and insist that they smile... By the time I get into church, I have that smile on my face and everyone KNOWS what a wonderful family we are!

After all, it IS Easter...the day that we remember, uhhh...now WHAT is Easter all about? I guess I forgot in all of my celebration of it.

FORGIVENESS

That is what we are remembering. Oh, and what a thing to remember! To know that there was one who stood in the place where we should have stood.

Many years ago, I was having a particularly hard time with this concept of forgiveness. I knew I needed to forgive the man who wounded my children, but for the life of me, could NOT imagine how a mother could do that. Furthermore, I didn't WANT to.

So I asked the Lord. He always answers me.

"I don't want to forgive that man." "I hate him and what he did to so many children." "I don't even want to WANT to forgive him."

Then he said "Stand in the place of forgiveness like my Son did."

Huh?

When Jesus hung on the Cross, he didn't look down at all of humanity and say, "I forgive you." He said, "Father, forgive them, they do not know what they are doing."

Just like he was asking me to do, Jesus "stood in the place of forgiveness!" He asked the Father to forgive FOR him.

Jesus may not have FELT forgiveness for those who tortured him at the time. He was human with human emotions. It is possible that he was just human enough not to FEEL very forgiving at that moment. But he was willing to stand in the place where the Father asked him to stand. His words asked THE FATHER to forgive.

For me, this was a glimpse into the humanity of Jesus and His obedience to the Father.

So, FORGIVENESS for me is not a thing I do, but a choice I make for life, so that I and my children will live. I may SAY "I forgive you," but what I really mean is that I am standing in the place where my Father asked me to stand and asking Him to forgive for me.

It is so much simpler than I thought!

HOLDING THE COATS

My heart may be happy, but there are many who do not have any reference to happiness in their lives. Sometimes it is from choice, but sometimes it is from choices foisted upon them by others.

Take Linda, for instance. I attended Dilworth Junior High School in Sparks, Nevada. All of 7th and 8th grade Linda was tormented by others. I guess today, it would be called bullying.

Each recess time, groups would circle around Linda and call her horrible names, throw rocks and anything they could find and keep her captive within that circle of jeering pubescent teenagers.

Did I participate? Well, the people of the Sanhedrin "laid their coats at the feet of a young man named Saul," and he stood by and watched.

By not participating, I participated.

I would never have shouted or thrown anything...my mother taught me better than that. But she forgot to teach me what it meant to watch someone suffer and do nothing.

For many years it haunted me. I prayed that I would find her and two others who suffered like her. I took full responsibility for it. Of course, I probably could not have stopped the kids from destroying her day by day, but I may have given her a glimmer of hope that someone cared...but I didn't, so I knew that I was as responsible as any one of the others.

I told the Lord that if I ever found any of them that I would apologize and ask forgiveness.

Through the wonders of facebook, one day I did find Linda. I knew that this was my chance to show her some love and perhaps get the forgiveness I needed. So I exchanged a short series of messages with her. And I quote:

Me:

Are you the Linda that used to go to Dilworth Junior High School? I have been looking for someone with this name for awhile. If you are the one that was tall and thin and attended that school, please email me. I have an apology to make.

Linda

Yes How did you know? that was a real long time ago.

Me:

I have never forgotten you and here is why. I remember kids making fun of you and I wasn't really sure why. You were real spunky and fought back. I admired you for that.
Anyway, I was not one of those that said mean things, but I stood by and let it happen without standing up for you. It has weighed on me all of these years and I promised myself and God that if I ever found you, I would ask your forgiveness for not saying anything and letting those stupid and cruel kids do and say what they did.
I always wondered where and how you ended up because of the trauma of junior high.
So, now is my chance to ask your forgiveness for allowing this to happen. Will you forgive me?
I know you probably don't even remember me - and that's okay, I just want to let you know that someone did care - just too late.
Thanks for responding to me. I really appreciate it.

Linda

Yes I do forgive you. I really appreicate you coming forward to me at this time. It took alot for you to find me. But im glad you did. I hope we can talk again Id really like to know what you are doing now adays. Im working as an assistant manager of a convience store, and I do preservation work on the side. My email address is (deleted for privacy). I have a dog named squeaker and 2 cats one is named spats and the other is named misty. I live in Summerfield, Florida I do karaoke, along with my busy schedule. I feel you were real sincere to me. I appreciate you very much. Its nice to know that you care about me after all of these years.

And just like that, I was forgiven! No penalties given and because of her sweet forgiveness, my guilt was gone...

What a lesson we could all learn from her open heart and quickness to forgive what had to be a very painful time in her life.

I CHOOSE JOY

I have a lot to say about JOY....a LOT. But I won't say it all today. I just feel like I need to revisit the choice I made for joy many years ago.

You see, I had a lot to be grim about. When two of my precious children were very young, they were molested by a Sunday School teacher. Without going into details, it was a long and costly trial in San Diego County and the man was acquitted. Not innocent, just acquitted.

Run! Here comes that person!

In those years of deep heartache - every time someone asked me how I was, I would tell them...and it wasn't pretty. I was becoming "that person" that people started to be afraid to approach. I was always looking on the dark side of the situation.

One day, I was in one of my conversations with the Lord, and was asking Him how I could feel safe in leaving them anywhere again. I knew that we had made our Sunday School very safe and I always had been over and above careful about where and with whom I left them...but it was still very scary. And I did not know how to navigate those waters.

The children were afraid as well. What I didn't realize is that they were afraid because I was showing them how to be afraid. Everything I did during that time was out of fear and sadness in response to the evil that was perpetrated upon them.

So, I ran into my strong tower and asked for direction. This is what I got.

"...I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live..."

He made it clear to me that as I chose life, I was choosing it for my children as well. But he did give me a choice.

I cannot tell you how that set me free! I was able to choose life rather than the fear that had been with me for so long. In setting me free, it set my children free from the clutches of this evil as well. I let them know that this did not define their lives. They could choose joy too.

In the following year, my theme was "Choose Joy!" I wrote it on my mirror, I carried around notes, I even had a rock that said "Joy" on it.

When I would start to turn toward fear (death) I would consciously choose to respond to things in a joyful manner. Yes, sometimes I was faking it, but I soon felt the joy that I had not been participating in.

What does this mean for me in my current journey?

There are SO MANY things that I could justifiably be fearful about during this time. But I will not.

I will wake up each day and choose the joy that is set before me...it is LIFE.

ABIDE

ABIDE.... just saying the word settles in my mouth like so much creamy dark chocolate.

It makes my mind think of peace and it actually makes me FEEL peaceful. It isn't forced or phony, it's just...well...ABIDE.

It sounds so organic and natural. I guess I like that word...ABIDE.

The definition for ABIDE says, "continue without fading or being lost."

Once when my son was unusually peaceful, he was asked, "Whatcha doin' Andy?" He said, "Nothin'....just livin'.

He was ABIDING.

That's what I asked my soul recently and I had no answer. I had no idea what I was doing. I was not abiding, I was fading and becoming lost.

I am a gardener. I haven't gardened in many years, but still stop and breathe deeply when I smell freshly tilled soil or herbs wafting through the air. Once you are a gardener, you think differently, at least I did. The soil and the growth of vegetation become analogies from which to draw pictures of life. I guess because it is life.

As I wondered what it meant to ABIDE, naturally, I began to think of the earth and things that grew from it. Then I remembered in the scripture where it said that Jesus is the vine and we are the branches and if we ABIDE and make our home in Him, we will bear much fruit, but if we separate ourselves from Him, we will wither.

Of course, it made me think of my garden. As long as my plants were in one piece, they would flourish, but when a shoot or a branch would get broken off, try as I might, but I could not get it to take sustenance from the original stem.

As I was questioning what ABIDE really meant for me, I realized that as long as I derived my "nutrition" from the main vine - my life is supported. But when I try to take off on my own strength, which I am known to do, I will eventually starve.

ABIDE.

This quest all started when last week I began to get frantic about what I should do about a job now that I am here in San Diego.

I did not sleep all night and all I could think was, "What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do?"

In the morning I cried "uncle" and asked God what I was missing. What did HE think I should do? The quiet word came back to me, "ABIDE."

I had NO idea what in the world that meant. As I began to think of coming here originally and not having a car, a job, or a permanent place to live. I started in my frantic mode and thought how can I get a car without a job and how can I get a job without a car and how can I get an apartment without a job and how can I get a job without an apartment....

The Lord reminded me that He provided a car. He took care of an apartment...and will take care of my sustenance.

So, for now, I sit at a cafe at the beach, drink my mocha, watch the waves and the surfers.... I will continue without fading or being lost...

...and ABIDE.

What's My Line?

When I was young, we moved a lot...no, really...A LOT. It never felt traumatic to me, although I suppose moving a lot has its effect on most everyone.

Nonetheless, I saw it as an opportunity to meet new friends and write letters to my old ones. ...and I did.

This scenario needs to be set up at this point by telling about my first impression of "the big city" we were moving to.

When we first moved to the Reno area, we stayed at some people's house that were in the church where my Dad was going to Pastor.

The woman, Carol, was a school teacher and a very kind and beautiful woman. As we sat at their dinner table, I would listen to the adults talk and rarely spoke. We knew our manners.

Carol talked about how other kids made fun of Christian kids at school and bullied them. Nobody knew that what was being said at that table, struck fear into a little 4th grade girl's heart as she hung onto every word and silently determined that no one would know that she was from a Christian family NOR would they know that her Dad was a Pastor!

Back up a little: In the first part of 4th grade I attended a three room schoolhouse (makes me sound ancient) in North Howell, Oregon. Miss Zumstein was the meanest teacher I ever had. She was mean to the weakest and had 'pets' that got to do everything. She was mean to me in math and I felt dumb. She had a way of making a student feel small and stupid. I knew I was not small and stupid! My mother never told me that I was small or stupid. So I figured "Miss Frankenstein" as we fondly called her, was just plain mean. And, for some reason, I didn't allow her to pin this identity on me.

It wasn't until after we moved to Sparks, Nevada and I was in Miss Picci's class at Florence Drake Elementary School, that I realized that the reason I seemed dumb in math is because I couldn't see the chalkboard and needed glasses! The planets aligned and my whole life took on so much COLOR! I could see, and didn't even know I couldn't until I could! I loved Miss Picci and I loved school.

In 5th grade, Mrs. Woody was the best teacher ever! I was at the height of loving life. I was the president of our "Rat Fink's Club" AND our "Monkees Fan Club" and my very best friend at school, Lisa Fuller, sat next to me in class. We made and sold Monkees "postage stamps" and told people they could not pass notes unless they had our stamps.

I was enjoying my identity as club president and best friend of Lisa Fuller.

...until one day in English class, we were learning about abbreviations. Mrs. Woody was asking Kristina G. what her father's abbreviation was - Dr. for Doctor, and so on.

I suddenly felt a tunnel vision and my world going dark with the terror of knowing that Mrs. Woody would call on me...and she did.

{Mind you, I had so very carefully protected my identity and the abbreviation of my father's occupation. I did not want to be one of those kids that were made fun of for being a Christian...no siree...not me!}

"Cindie, what is YOUR father's abbreviation?" I had a terrified, about-to-throw-up feeling. Every one in the classroom was staring at me.

I bravely answered, "..I...I don't know..."

After trying to get me to figure it out, she said the dreaded, "R-E-V, REVEREND - that is the abbreviation for Reverend." At which time, Lisa Fuller, an Episcopalian, turned to me with disbelief and said, "NO! NO! I didn't know that! Why didn't you tell me?! I just mumbled some stupid words about not really knowing.

The scene just went black after that. All I know is it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

And it was all because I didn't want an identity that was mine, for fear of what people would think.

It turned out that it was not a big deal, Lisa Fuller was still my best friend, the Monkees Fan Club and Rat Fink Club lived on and I even went steady with Randy Blackwell for two weeks...identity and all!

When Peter came to visit this past weekend, he spoke some very wise words about identity. I think we were talking about our identity as Christ-followers, etc. He said that we don't have an identity unless we are in community with others. Our identity comes from the way others reflect us.

I will probably write more about this subject because it is one of the things I am personally dealing with right now.

But for now, identify me with a HAPPY HEART!

Lost and Found

I was two or three years old at the time...some people don't remember that far back, but I do. I remember being lost very clearly.

Our family was at the fair. At two I only knew details that involved me and my immediate world. Our family was leaving and my mother bent over to tie her shoes.

Let me stop here and mention that I ADORED my mother. I was like a baby duckling - her imprint was strongly in my makeup.

One of the strongest forces in nature, is the imprint. The first thing a duckling sees when it hatches is who it is. A duckling or gosling knows that it is the same species as whatever living creature larger than itself it sees upon hatching or shortly thereafter. I said, KNOWS. It doesn’t think it is, it doesn’t use the creature for a replacement until it finds its own species, it doesn’t pretend to be that species; it IS that species in its mind and instinct.

My Mother was my species and I tried to copy her every move....and THAT is what got me lost.

As my Mother bent over to tie her shoes...I, the duckling, was copying her. I remember casting one sideways glance and seeing how she was doing something with her shoelaces, so I focused on my shoelaces on my brown and white saddle oxfords. I was so focused on doing what my Mommy was doing that I didn't look around until they were gone....all of them were gone.

I don't remember being too frightened but a lady from a nearby booth gently asked me if I was lost - I had no idea what lost meant. However, one could draw the conclusion that a tiny little girl all alone was lost. She stood me up on her boxes, so I could be seen, and moments later my family all came back for me. I love happy endings.

I believe that much of my life I have been casting sideways glances at others to see if I was doing life right. Perhaps I was so focused on LOOKING like I was doing it right, that maybe I forgot to look inside myself to see who I really was. Maybe I was pretending to be the same species as people I admired and forgot what my own species was.

Somehow I got lost at the fair again. This time I am big enough to find my way home.