What comes first? Grief or forgiveness?

Grief....Forgiveness...

More grief...more forgiveness....

What comes first? Grief or forgiveness? 

It swirls around in my head. The thoughts. The emotions. The unspecific grief. The profound disappointments.

All part of my life. I struggle to find them out. I search to define...

Grief - I lost my champion to death in 2004 in my earthly Father. He's gone. I lost the one who believed in me THE MOST to death in 2011 in my Mother. She's gone. Because of them, I will always stand up for and believe in myself. But it's not the same as having someone, somewhere that you KNOW beyond a doubt...who is at the head of your parade and waving a flag!

I have grieved their deaths. But I have not grieved the loss of my only defenders in life. The two who truly believed in me. They just KNEW I could do it. I felt it. 

There has never been, before or since, anyone to stand up for me. Not anyone. I didn't realize that until this morning during my run and subsequent shower. It just hit me like an epiphany....and, of course, the tears flowed as they washed down the drain with my shampoo.

I have come to a place where I know I must forgive some very specific people. But as I am asking God about it, I realize that I must grieve the losses before I can even know WHAT to forgive.

I am seeing that it isn't the actions of those that I need to forgive, but the disappointments that I have experienced. I am learning that whether or not they are to blame is quite beside the point.

There are a thousand actions that were wrong and against me, maybe even ten thousand. But it isn't the actions I need to forgive, but the people themselves.

That will come as I grieve the profound disappointments in my life. Penetrating disappointments.

Be patient with me as I navigate this alone, with divine guidance. As I free myself from this captivity of unforgiveness.

I will walk in freedom.

A MILLION MOMENTS THAT MAKE ME CRY

MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL BOY.

With my new box of kleenex almost gone, my gut wrenching, guttural cries continue.

Don't begin to THINK you understand unless YOU have been the mother of an addict. If you have been an addict...it doesn't count. If you have a dear friend with an addicted child...it doesn't count. Even if you are the beloved auntie or grandmother....it still doesn't count.

MY child. That I love more than ANYONE else in the world. Is lost right now. Is enslaved. And I cannot help him. I cannot save him. Although MORE than willing, there is NOTHING that I can sacrifice that will do it.

"I am beside myself - uncomprehending, terrified. Nothing in my life has prepared me for the incapacitating worry when I don't know where he is. I imagine [him on the streets] like a wild animal, wounded and desperate...."

"I am awake at four a.m. along with parents of other drug addicted children, children who are - we don't know where."

"Even after everything we have been through, I am stunned. [He] is injecting drugs - shooting them into his arms - arms that not that long ago threw baseballs and built Lego castles, arms that wrapped around my neck when I carried his sleepy body from the car at night." 

Hands that so deftly played the guitar, now reach for the poison that holds him captive.

"...anxiety has taken up permanent residence in my body."

"It's not that [I] am not thinking about him. His addiction and its twin, the specter of his death, permeate the air [I] breathe."

"[He] is still gone. Life does not stop."

There are a million moments that make me cry for my son. This is just one....

Yet I will FOREVER have hope. 

[Above quotations are from, "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff]

DOGS DON'T BREAK YOUR HEART...but love does

I never understood it. How could people NOT want children? After all, you can shape, guide and love them. After you have lovingly guided these angelic little ones into adulthood, they rise up and call you for money. a terrible parent. only when they want something.  blessed.  I'm still waiting for that part.

I work with someone who has never had, nor will ever have, children. She and her husband have chosen to "parent" dogs. They call them "the babies." They have 5 large

ones. Now, mind you, I think there is a certain madness to this school of thought, but nonetheless, there are MANY of you that are choosing this pathway and maybe you are mad....but just maybe you are smarter than us all!

Now, don't get me wrong. I ADORE my children. They have been my breath for 27 years. However, they have also taken my breath away....and not always in a good way.

I have also had dogs. ...and I don't love them like I LOVE my children. But....DOGS DON'T BREAK YOUR HEART.

Back to the dog analogy: 

• Dogs just need to be trained once and one way....then they are good. They just want to please you FOREVER!

• Kids are a constant training. Once you finish one subject - you have to go to the next. And they don't seem to be consistent in the "I just want to please my mother" department.

For instance - dogs just do their thing. There is no moral teaching for dogs. They hump whatever they want and if it is our leg, we laugh and say, "look, they are dancing with us!" If it is a male to male hump, we suspect they are gay dogs and if it is a male to female, we know there will be a litter soon. Sure, we call the female a bitch, but we don't assign it the character of whore, like we may a human. If it is a male dog, we just say, "dogs will be dogs" and chuckle. If it is a male human we say he is immoral. (Don't think I am advocating human males to hump every girl they see...I am just establishing a parallel that I have NO idea where it will end up!)

• Kids are taught to obey their parents and, if they are of the Christian persuasion, they are taught to be moral of character. (That means anything their parents and/or the church teaches in word, but not necessarily in deed... Ouch.)

• Dogs forget that you yelled at them when they did something doggish. Take our former Rottweiler/Doberman mix, Beulah Mae Bugtussle. She was a pound puppy and was intent on eating her own excrement. I would yell and roll up a newspaper, or anything else the "experts" would tell me to whisper to her. But she apparently just loved the exploding worm flavor of her own shyte. It was gruesome and I finally had to let someone more up to the task, raise her. Ya just can't do that with kids.

• Dogs don't go to jail. They also do not have opposable thumbs so they cannot shoot poison into their veins. Some children do both.

• Kids save your foibles and gigantic mistakes until you are at your most vulnerable, and then shoot it directly into your veins. Or better yet, they wait until they are "adults" and tell you what a crappy parent you were and how their bad habits are your fault. You buy it. Your apologies for your mistakes are saved and used for ammo when needed at a later date. (You think I'm kidding?? Call me.)

• Dogs have REALLY REALLY bad habits. They lick their privates. They scratch habitually. They eat bugs or anything they have acquired a taste for* (see above comment about eating shyte.) Dogs do like a routine and develop habits that seem to work for them. We just smile and say how quirky they are.

• Kids grow up and can develop habits that change their lives. And ours.

....and that is where I am going with this....

Kids break your heart and dogs don't. It's the risk we take and hope it is worth it.

It's as simple as that. Having children is not for the faint of heart. If you think you have a leg up in the school of parenting....think again.... and then call me. If there was any idealist in life regarding children...it was me.
I read every flippin' James Dobson book there was....and then some. My friends would come to me for advice. As a respected leader, I taught young mothers how to be mothers and raise their children successfully. I was an expert. 

Until I was an utter failure.

Now, don't email me and say that you don't think I'm a failure. I know you love me and don't think it is the truth....and if the truth were told....I don't really think it either. However, there are some pretty crazy things going on in the life of some of my children and if I follow all of the books I read and all of the Dr. Phil episodes I watched, I would fall under the category of BIG FAT FAILURE in the mother department.

But mothers ALWAYS HOPE. 

There is a well known and over-quoted chapter in the bible that says:

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate....

 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end. 

Love never dies....

....and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled....

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us.  

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.  

And the best of the three is love."

If I had do overs, would I have dogs or kids?

I would have to say kids. Why? Kids don't shed, they don't get fleas, they don't usually lick their privates, and they can be taught new tricks. AND....best of all, when they grow up, they just might get a job and become productive citizens.... remember, I said MIGHT. 

I MEANT WHAT I SAID AND I SAID WHAT I MEANT, A MOTHER IS FAITHFUL ONE HUNDRED PERCENT

The children's book, "Horton Hatches The Egg" by Dr. Seuss has long been my favorite. 

I suppose it is because I have hatched other people's eggs and love them as my own. In fact, they ARE my own. My children, whether I gave birth to them or adopted them, are loved by me. LOVED.

Most of my children accept my love. Sadly, some do not. Some of them look at me and see the love and sacrifice I have made for them and love back.... and some curse me for adopting them.

Oh, don't think it doesn't happen - it does in my life. So, if you are one that curses me for adopting you, please know that when you finally see life through mature eyes and get to a place where your child is cursing you for loving them - only then will you understand.

Horton Hatches the Egg, is about a bird who was sick of sitting on her egg and found an elephant, Horton, who was willing to sit on her egg while she was on vacation. Trouble is, she never came back to take care of her egg. When all of the hard work was done, she wanted her egg back and Horton was heartbroken. But when the egg hatched, instead of looking like the bird that laid the egg, it was an elephant-bird and looked like Horton, who had taken care of it for all of this time.

There is a situation in my own life where "Mayzie", the bird who was not willing to do the hard work, but only wanted to play - has come back to claim her eggs. Her eggs don't realize that "Mayzie" left them for drugs in the care of strangers and sometimes alone and in life-threatening situations as very, very young children. Her eggs also don't realize that "Mayzie" forfeited her eggs to social services and was even given do-overs...but decided drugs were more important.

These precious eggs do not understand that "Horton" did what he did so they could have a chance at life. These eggs do not know how they have broken "Horton's" heart...and at the same time...mine.

I have included both the story read by a storyteller (in two videos) or read the text below that. Both tell the story of the faithful Horton. And both express a bit of what I have gone through in my own life.

This is part one:

This is part two:

 

  

 

Horton Hatches The Egg

By: Dr. Seuss

Sighed Mayzie, a lazy bird hatching an egg:

“I’m tired and I’m bored

And I’ve kinks in my leg

From sitting, just sitting here day after day.

It’s work! How I hate it!

I’d much rather play!

I’d take a vacation, fly off for a rest

If I could find someone to stay on my nest!

If I could find someone, I’d fly away-free…”

Then Horton, the Elephant, passed by her tree.

“Hello!” called the lazy bird, smiling her best,

“You’ve nothing to do and I do need a rest.

Would you like to sit on the egg in my nest?”

The elephant laughed.

“Why, of all silly things!

I haven’t feathers and I haven’t wings.

Me on your egg? Why, that doesn’t make sense…

Your egg is so small, ma’am, and I’m so immense!”

“Tut, tut,” answered Mayzie.  “I know you’re not small

But I’m sure you can do it. No trouble at all.

Just sit on it softly. You’re gentle and kind.

Come, be a good fellow.  I know you won’t mind.”

“I can’t,” said the elephant

“PL-E-E-ASE!” begged the bird.

“I won’t be gone long, sir.  I give you my word.

I’ll hurry right back.  Why, I’ll never be missed….”

“Very well,” said the elephant, “since you insist…

You want a vacation.  Go fly off and take it.

I’ll sit on your egg and I’ll try not to break it.

I’ll stay and be faithful.  I mean what I say.”

“Toodle-oo!” sang out Mayzie and fluttered away.

“H-m-m-m..the first thing to do,” murmured Horton,

“Let’s see…

The first thing to do is to prop up this tree

And make it much stronger. That has to be done

Before I get on it. I must weigh a ton.”

Then carefully,

Tenderly,

Gently he crept

Up the trunk to the nest where the little egg slept.

Then Horton the elephant smiled.  “Now that’s that…”

And he sat

And he sat

And he sat

And he sat….

And he sat all that day

And he kept the egg warm…

And he sat all that night

Through a terrible storm.

It poured and it lightninged!

It thundered! It rumbled!

“This isn’t much fun,”

The poor elephant grumbled.

“I wish she’d come back

‘Cause I’m cold and I’m wet.

I hope that that Mayzie bird doesn’t forget.”

But Mayzie, by this time, was far beyond reach,

Enjoying the sunshine way off in the Palm Beach,

And having such fun, such a wonderful rest,

Decided she’d never go back to her nest!

  

So Horton kept sitting there, day after day.

And soon it was Autumn.  The leaves blew away.

And then came the Winter…the snow and the sleet!

And icicles hung

From his trunk and his feet.

But Horton kept sitting, and said with a sneeze,

“I’ll stay on this egg and I won’t let it freeze.

I meant what I said

And I said what I meant…

An elephant’s faithful

One hundred per cent!”

So poor Horton sat there

The whole winter through…

And then came the springtime

With troubles anew!

His friends gathered round

And they shouted with glee.

“Look! Horton the Elephant’s up in a tree!”

They taunted, they teased him,

 They yelled, “How Absurd!”

“Old Horton the Elephant

Thinks hE’s a bird!”

They Laughed the they Laughed, Then they al ran away.

And Horton was lonely. He wanted to play

but he sat on the egg and continued to say

“I meant what I said

And I said what I meant…

An elephant’s faithful

One hundred per cent!

“No matter What happens,

This egg must be tended!”

But poor Horton’s troubles

Were far, far from ended

For, while Horton sat there

So faithful, so kind,

Three hunters came sneaking

Up softly behind!

He heard the men’s footsteps!

He turned with a start!

Three rifles were aiming

Right strait at his heart!

Did he run?

He did not!

HORTON STAYED ON THAT NEST!

He held his head high

And he threw out his chest

And he looked at the hunters

As much as to say:

“Shoot if you must

But I won’t run away!

I meant what I said

And I said what I meant…

An elephant’s faithful

One hundred per cent!”

But the men didn’t shoot!

Much to Horton’s surprise

They dropped their three guns

And they stared with wide eyes!

“look!” they all shouted,

“Can such a thing be?

An elephant sitting on top of a tree…”

“It’s strange!  It’s amazing!  It’s wonderful!  New!

Don’t shoot him.  We’ll catch him.  That’s just what we’ll do!

Let’s take him alive.  Why, he’s terribly funny!

We’ll sell him back to a circus, for money!”

And the first thing he knew, they had built a big wagon

With ropes on the front for the pullers to drag on.

They dug up his tree and they put it inside,

With Horton so sad that he practically cried.

“we’re off!”  the men shouted.  And off they all went

With Horton unhappy, one hundred per cent.

Up out of the jungle!  Up into the sky!

Up over the mountains ten thousand feet high!

Then down, down the mountains

And down to the sea

Went the cart with the elephant,

Egg, nest and tree…

Then out of the wagon

And onto a ship!

Out over the ocean…

And ooh, what a trip!

Rolling and tossing and splashed with the spray!

And Horton said, day after day after day,

“I meant what I said

And I said what I meant…

But oh, am I seasick!

One hundred per cent!”

After bobbing around for two weeks like a cork,

They landed at last in the town of New York.

“All ashore!” the men shouted,

And down with a lurch

Went Horton the Elephant

Still on his perch,

Tied onto a board that could just scarcely hold him…

Bump!

Horton landed!

And then the men sold him!

Sold to a circus!  Then week after week

They showed him to people at ten cents a peek.

They took him to Boston, to Kalamazoo,

Chicago, Weehawken and Washington, too;

To Dayton, Ohio; St. Paul, Minnesota;

To Wichita, Kansas; to Drake, North Dakota.

And everywhere thousands of folks flocked to see

And laugh at the elephant up in a tree.

Poor Horton grew sadder the farther he went,

But he said as he sat in the hot noisy tent:

“I meant what I said, and I said what I meant…

An elephant’s faithful—one hundred per cent!”

Then…one day

The circus show happened to reach

A town way down south, not so far from Palm Beach.

And, dawdling along way up high in the sky,

Who (of all people!) should chance to fly by

But that old good-for-nothing bird, runaway Mayzie!

Still on vacation and still just as lazy.

And, spying the flags and the tents just below,

She sang out, “What fun! Why, I’ll go to the show!”

And she swooped from the clouds

Through an open tent door…

“Good gracious!” gasped Mayzie,

“I’ve seen you before!”

Poor Horton looked up with his face white as chalk!

He started to speak, but before he could talk…

There rang out the noisiest ear-splitting squeaks

From the egg that he’d sat on for fifty-one weeks!

A thumping! A Bumping! A wild alive scratching!

“My egg!”  Shouted Horton. “My egg! Why, it’s hatching!”

“But it’s Mine!” screamed the bird, when she heard the egg crack.

(the work was all done. Now she wanted it back.)

“It’s my egg!” she sputtered.  “You stole it from me!

Get off of my nest and get out of my tree!”

Poor Horton backed down

With a sad, heavy heart…

But at that very instant, the egg burst apart!

And out of the pieces of red and white shell,

From the egg that he’d sat on so long and so well,

Horton the Elephant saw something whizz!

It had Ears

And a Tail

And a trunk just like his!

And the people came shouting,  “what’s all this about…?”

They looked! And they stared with their eyes popping out!

Then they cheered and they cheered and they cheered more and more.

They’d never seen anything like it before!

“My goodness! My gracious!” they shouted. “My Word!

It’s something brand new!

It’s an elephant-bird!!

And it should be, it should be, it should be like that!

Because Horton was faithful!  He sat and he sat!

He meant what he said

And he said what he meant…”

…And they sent him home

Happy,

One hundred per cent!

MOUTHING THE WORDS (Everything is Sound)

I've had a hard couple of days....really hard....really really hard.

I even cried quite a few times yesterday. I felt disrespected and small.

I have felt disrespected too many times in my life

............and I still don't know how to take it.

I knew I wouldn't stay in that place, but it did not help much to know that.

I wallowed all day.

So, this morning I turned on some music that I haven't listen to in awhile. Since my heart was still sad, as I showered, I found myself mouthing the words to:

"...if rain clouds come or the cold winds blow You're the One who goes before me and in my heart I know, that this good day, it is a gift from You, the world is turning in its place because You made it to...." (Fernando Ortega)

I usually sing with gusto in the shower, but today only my lips moved. As my lips were moving, I wondered if just mouthing the words would help.... kind of a "fake it 'til you make it" thing. I smiled a bit at that thought and continued through my day.

After struggling through the day with ugly and dark thoughts, I finally got into my car and headed home. I threw in my new Jason Mraz CD and the song: "Everything is Sound" came on and it made all of the difference with the words:

It's a song that I've forgotten often
It doesn't make me wrong
Cause we all need the darkness, to see the light
In our own eyes, come on, and sing it

 

Everything is  Sound

When there is love, I can't wait to talk about it
When things get rough, I like to walk with you
Or when it's night, I like to be the light that's missing
And remind you every minute of the future isn't written
Not yet

When there is love, or when the heart feels heavy
We can lighten it up, if you've had enough
Well you can empty your glass and we can fill it back up
You know it's up to us to make it all up
So what you making up? I can make it up back
You could be loved no matter what
And know the only time is right now, it's right where... where you are
You don't need a vacation when there's nothing to escape from

Singing
La la la la
Let's all sing
La la la la
Laying it down
Everything is sound

Let's sing to be happy, to feel things, to communicate, and be heard
Or sing out to protest, and to project, and to harmonize with birds
Whether it's your birthday or your dying day
It's a celebration too
Rejoice to use your voice and give wings to any of choice
Whatever you're choosing right now, it's right where... where you are
You don't need a vacation when there's nothing to escape from

Set your vibration and undulation to the highest it can go
And trust me, hear me
If it makes you wanna sing
Just sing it

La la la la
Let's all sing
La la la la
Laying it down
Everything is sound
La la la la
Let's all sing
La la la la
Hallelujah

It's a song that I've forgotten often
It doesn't make me wrong
Cause we all need the darkness, to see the light
In our own eyes, come on, and sing it

I'm gonna be okay now that I remembered my song.

Cast of Characters

Each morning when I run my head is full of thoughts. Some real life and some sort of comedic stories I invent as I breathe in and out.

I have what I fondly refer to as my "Cast of Characters". For some reason, I like making up stories in my head about people I don't know. It entertains me. They are the stars of my personal morning show.

Cast of Characters:

Mr. Red Shirt - he shows up every day without fail...walking...walking. He is older and is not a trim man....not big...just not small... and I wonder if he had something go wrong with his heart. I wonder if he waited this long to start  being active, but is now trying to make a change. We wave, smile, say "Good Morning" and count on the next morning...

*Update - I worry about Mr. Red Shirt - I haven't seen him in weeks...the story in my head says that he has had a heart relapse and I worry about his wife...

Miss Perky Ponytail - waves in an eager way every few days. Not every day, but then she is very young...and really waaay to perky! Her ponytail swings happily from side to side while she runs and waves in a perky sort of way. Really, I want to be annoyed by her, but she is just so cute and happy. That was probably me in a younger life.

*Update - She has been joined by Miss Perky Ponytail #2 and they are perky and yak yak while they walk...no more running - too much interruption to their conversation.

Mr. I'm too Cool to turn my Head to acknowledge you. That's okay, he will probably end up like Mr. Red Shirt someday. Have some fun! Look at me in the eye when you run by. I will smile and say good morning and maybe, just maybe you WILL have a good morning!

*Update - Still doesn't turn his head...and does NOT look like he is having fun.

Ms. I am Older Than you, but in Shape with a BIG smile! - She should annoy me, but I like her. She is probably getting shin splints from the cement she runs on. If we sat down to tea, she would be happy and gracious...I just know it.

*Update - She is still at it she always smiles, is in terrific shape and wears the same outfit each day - like I do!

Ms. In my thirties and I'm divorced already and thought these Rollerblades may be effective especially without KNEEPADS!....  Okay, I cannot fault anyone for being as bold as rollerblades when they are no longer the rage.... just sayin' - She didn't fall.... but then I don't see her everyday.

*Update - She gave up quickly. I hope she didn't fall without her knee pads. Maybe she and her husband got back together and they rollerblade as a family on Saturdays together....it could happen!

Mr. Bald BIG DOBERMAN dog walker - From now on I will warn him when I am coming up behind him.... his dobie almost had me for an early breakfast! Fortunately, he had a tight leash on him... makes me wonder. But, we smile and say "Good Morning" each day.

*Update - See him every day - I guess people's animals MAKE them be consistent. I hope he picks up his dog droppings....I'm still petrified of his dog.

Mr. I Have a Cool Convertible BMW (I sure hope nobody notices that it is being held together with duct tape... AND I don't have air conditioning...) - For pete's sake - we live in ARI-frickin-ZONA people! Who cares if you look cool...if you don't have air conditioning YOU ARE MISERABLE!

*Update - See him in this "cool" car every morning. At least he has a job to go to. Maybe he can get his air conditioner fixed, because I think he just loves his duct taped car!

My two doggie friends - Old Tired Man Australian Shepherd and Middle Aged Girl Barking Border Collie - they are friends - perhaps mates. But the old man is too tired to bark anymore. The middle aged Girl is still ready to partaaayyy! (Is this why I like her so much?)

*Update - Even the Middle Aged Girl is not as eager to bark anymore...I guess I know the feeling!

The bird on the corner of Greenfield and Frye as I round the corner to my last stretch - has a wolf whistle - I KID YOU NOT!! Every time I look around to see who the jerk is who is whistling at me at five in the morning....turns out it is just the same old bird... can't tell if I am disappointed or happy....

*Update - I make sure I run that route often, just so I can get someone to whistle at me.

Then there is the tiny donkey who wears the face mask (to keep flies off his eyes) and has looked at me silently for months....then all of a sudden he decides to do that donkey racket to me and scared the bejeebers out of me, but I had a good giggle when I realized what it was!

*Update - The earlier I get up and run and the darker it is outside...well, sometimes I don't see this noisy tiny donkey... but I miss him.

If you have read this far, then you really do need to get a life.  I mean you are reading about a bunch of people and animals that I have made up stories about.

There is one more....it is Shawn's house. It is about 3/4 of a mile down Frye and it is an old broken down tiny ranch house. It isn't even charming, but just sits there, lifeless. Actually, every place I pass seems lifeless at 5 a.m. About once a month there is a big semi-truck parked in front. "It is Shawn's truck," I invent in my mind. Shawn used to run the ranch after his daddy died, but had to get a regular job because of the rotten economy and that keeps him away for weeks at a time. His mother lives in that old falling down house and his son lives with her there. Shawn's wife left him and the boy when the hard times hit. Shawn has kept the boat and horse trailer for when he is in town and can take his son out. It's the best he can do.

That's all I "know" about Shawn, but I know that if I make it as far as his house, then I am almost to the end of Frye and can turn on Higley and then onto Fairview so I can see the dogs and get my whistle...

Pathetic.

I know.

LIVIN' IN THE MOMENT

I just discovered this song a few moments ago. Lucky you.

Because I told my friend that I felt a blog coming on and it started something like this:

"Why is it that I end up feeling like shit (yes, I said it…)" - 

The rest of it is not really fit for human consumption. Let's just say I was butt hurt (a term I learned from my oldest daughter.) AND let's leave it at that.

My insides were starting to get roiled.... and then I heard this song and it brought the smile back to my face and reminded me that today and right now is really quite important.

 

*The blue is my comment

   "Living In The Moment"

Jason Mraz

If this life is one act
Why do we lay all these traps?
We put them right in our path
When we just wanna be free

I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about all the things
That will not happen to me

As I think of all of the moments, days and years I have spent in wasted worry, it makes me want to run back and try to grab them... but then that would defeat the purpose of this realization that I have. All of the "What if's" that never happened....

So I just let go of what I know I don't know
And I know I'll only do this by
Living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Peace in my soul

So this song is saying that if I just let go of what I know I don't know (which is almost everything I vex about...) I will have peace of mind, heart and soul! If I know that's true, then why do I forget it so much?

Wherever I'm going, I'm already home
Living in the moment

I just love that when I live today and let tomorrow worry about itself, I don't have to always wonder where I'm going because I'm already there!

I'm letting myself off the hook for things I've done
I let my past go past

Easier said than done. I mean, I THINK I may be able to let myself off the hook, if so many others in my life would let me off the hook and let me live my life. But then, that's part of the point of this concept - don't worry about "them."

And now I'm having more fun

So much fun!

I'm letting go of the thoughts
That do not make me strong
And I believe this way can be the same for everyone

And if I fall asleep
I know you'll be the one who'll always remind me
To live in the moment
To live my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I can't walk through life facing backwards
I have tried

I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I'd been searching for
But I spun around and hurt no more

Amazing when you turn around and walk forward, how clearly your path shows up. You can't find what you're searching for when you are looking in the wrong direction!

By living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I'm living in the moment
I'm living my life
Just taking it easy
With peace in my mind
Got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Oh, wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I'm living in the moment
I'm living my life
Oh, easy and breezy
With peace in my mind

In May of last year I wrote about living in today but I must have lost sight of it...I must have needed a reminder, so this song came up on my Spotify list.

I am reminded of when my young son was asked what he was doing, he said, "Nothin' - just livin'!" Now HE knew how to LIVE IN THE MOMENT!

So, no need for the snarky blog. I have decided to live in each moment.

Life has been patiently waiting for me. I'm movin' on

Starting a new chapter... Closing the book... Closing the door... Moving on....

Those are all phrases I keep hearing about changes in life, especially divorce.

My divorce.

This isn't up for opinion and I'm not asking for advice. It just is.

You may not be okay with it.

I am.

As I mentioned in a previous blog "WHERE ARE YOU MY FRIENDS?" , many of who I thought were my dearest friends, are silent...still. Still silent and gone from my life. Sad.

RIP: June 26, 1976 to September 15, 2012.

It has been so very interesting over the last dozen years, to watch the slow cancerous death of a long marriage.  I will not go into detail, but I need you to know that there was no resuscitating this, and yes, I tried. But there comes a time when further attempts become foolish and ridiculous. 

So, I will not go into an angry rant. But rather, I want to play a song for you. You can understand it or not. I don't really care. My last blog: "WHO DIED AND MADE YOU GOD?" was the last criticism that I am going to take from any so called Christian brothers or sisters. I just don't deserve that from anyone. I have been hard enough on myself.

Much of this song by Rascal Flatts, "I'm Movin' On" is very profound for me.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons...

 *more than you will ever know

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself

*inner peace that is not given to me by people's opinions....but the assurance that I am doing the right thing.

I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change

*I've blamed myself and I've been blamed by family and friends. The only one who DID NOT blame me was God.

 *I have not been allowed to change by those who I know.

But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong

*But here I am, in a "faraway land" and I now call it home.

 

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me 

 

*I am so very excited as I step into my future

There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

*Speaks for itself...

Give a listen: (full lyrics are below)

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons

Finally content with a past I regret

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I'm at peace with myself

I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces

Each one is different but they're always the same

They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it

They'll never allow me to change

But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong

I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me

And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone

There comes a time in everyone's life

When all you can see are the years passing by

And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't

Stopped to fill up on my way out of town

I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't

I had to lose everything to find out

Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on 

WHO DIED AND MADE YOU GOD?

There are a lot of blogs rattling around in my head, but I simply could not NOT write about this.

I knew that the judgments have been brewing against me and my divorce, but up until this letter I got from a "friend" - no one had admitted their thoughts...

This is a gentleman and his (former) wife who knew us and our family. I will not identify him and if he is reading my blog, I hope he will understand the impact a few words mixed with a lot of bitterness can have on one life...or many, depending on your position of influence and/or authority.

I'm just going to reprint the dialog, because my responses say it all, and if they seem harsh- they ARE, and this man needed to hear it! (Conversation is word for word except I took out all names).

Mr. Pharisee:
Where's your husband, "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, Until DEATH do us part!" I can identify with [your ex-husband] (not a perfect guy, as we NOW know), my wife left me and divorced me too, but not for a justifiable cause. Do you have a biblical, justifiable cause? Where's GOD?! Just sayin!






Me:
Not that I owe you any explanation OR that it is ANY of your business, but yes, I do have a biblical, justifiable cause...just sayin!





The next day:

Mr. Pharisee:
Thanks. Sorry, kinda went off last night. Life gets pretty painful at times and I let my "old fleshly man" act out. Please forgive me. Wishing you ALL the Best!


Me:


You didn't "kinda" go off - you were so far out of line, you weren't even in the same universe!



I am thankful that my relationship with the Lord is as strong as it is, because if it were not, your judgmental message would have devastated me. For those weaker in the faith, you could have been the catalyst to drive them over the edge of losing faith.



Fortunately, my faith does not depend on the opinions of the Pharisees, but on the work of the cross. That is no thanks to you, but Jesus.



That all being said, this message really threw me for a loop. I spent the evening crying because it was so surprising to me that anyone in the body of Christ would say that sort of thing. It was as if someone came up behind me and whacked me in the back of the head with a Bible. It is because of people like you that I do not attend church. I AM the church….the bride of Christ - and He does not like people talking to His bride that way.



[Mr. Pharisee], this is none of your business, just as your situation is none of my business…(and don't quote any scripture to me, I know and love the Word.) I know you apologized and I do accept, but that cannot erase the re-opened wound. I think it is ironic that your "ministry" is reconciliation, yet your life sermon is judgment.



Please reconsider your position of ministering from your bitterness. Get healed before you try to heal others with your caustic words.



That is all.


Mr. Pharisee:
Thank you SO much for responding. Actually my ministry isn't out of Judgement but grace. I have experienced so much grace and support since [my wife] left and then divorced me. I have NEVER said anything like that before to ANY one and I'm so SORRY that it caused you such pain. The past few weeks have been a challenge, totally unrelated to marriage, divorce or any of that. Once again I as your deepest forgiveness. I have no idea of the circumstances that led to you're separation and divorce and, as you say, it REALLY is NONE of my business. I've always loved and respected you and [former husband] and your family..... We all went through a difficult and challenging experience at the church with [former pastor] - who is still my friend, as is [former husband]. Have seen him at [former pastor's] place a couple of times when I was in [town] visiting [family]. 

I wish you the VERY BEST for the rest of your life. You're a beautiful, creative and gracious woman. Again, I'm very sorry for giving in to my fleshly weaker human nature last night. [My ex-wife] and I have a good, friendly relationship and there's never been animosity or hostility between us. Perhaps something surfaced last night that I was unaware of and I need to and WILL deal with it. Two of my good friends, [former pastor], [former husband] and also me are now divorced and trying to make our way in a world that is changing significantly and rapidly. God has been so Good and Gracious to me and I'm sure to you and us all.



In His Love & Grace,




 I have so many thoughts and yes, judgments on this that I have decided not to respond much further than what you see that I wrote.

One of the things that stood out to me in this AND when many well-meaning Bible-thumpers talk to me OR anyone wearing their stripe is all of the jargon that is thrown in out of habit or the desire to look spiritual. When you end it with "In His Love & Grace" - that doesn't erase everything. Don't give me that "old fleshly man" shite to mask the fact that you are human! Imagine that - a human - just like you were created to be!  GO FIGURE!

This scripture keeps coming up to me and, believe me, it is not just pointed at Mr. Pharisee, but straight at me as well.

Matthew 7:1-3

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

(I guess I am now experiencing the "ruler" I used to measure others, eh?)

 If you call yourself a Christian, believer, born again, or any of those identifying markers - then you had better watch yourself. You have the power to flick someone over the edge with your Jesus-flags you carry or the GIGANTIC Bible you use as a weapon.

***She is now stepping down off of her soapbox***