Even though they are all adults, I am still filled with awe as I watch them grow into the people that they are. Everyone has a ways to go, but most are well on their way.
I am truly grateful that most of them love me and usually even like me. I purposed today that I would concentrate on those ones. The ones that let me know how much I mean to them.... the ones that see through their adult eyes that I REALLY DO love them no matter what....
....but now that the sun is down on this bittersweet day, I seem to not be able to stay the course I started with today.... and the tears begin.
So I write.
Because there is still one that continues to despise me. This one took a grandchild and cut off all communication, except when she feels like sending me a private message to tell me how much she hates me and what a terrible mother I was and still am.I don't think she should love me because I adopted her from being in foster homes most of her life...I don't even think that she needs to love me because I rescued her from drugs and raising her baby in squalor and brought her to my home filled with love and new chances....
It isn't even about her loving me....but it's about how hard it is to watch someone you love head for so VERY much heartache and there is absolutely nothing to do about it. She is destined to repeat the life altering mess of her birthparents if she doesn't turn around.
But....isn't what people do once they become adults is to start realizing that the very parents that they hated so deeply - really DID love them enough?
I'll be okay. Really I will. But, I guess it is sort of like the parable of the lost lamb. The shepherd still had 99 sheep, but went out to look for that one that went its own way. Or even the Prodigal Son - where the father appreciated the son that was home - but could not forget the one that was lost. He watched for him for a very long time and was so thrilled when he came back.
She came back last year, but just long enough to remember to sabotage our relationship yet again. It would not have been so painful if this little baby girl that she carries with her had not been in the picture.
It may not have even been so hard if I had not cut the cord and gave her a first bath. But I did - and I cry for my grandbaby who is being raised by this emotionally needy young woman.So....give me a bit, and my tears will stop for awhile.
Meanwhile, I cry.......
