Cast of Characters

Each morning when I run my head is full of thoughts. Some real life and some sort of comedic stories I invent as I breathe in and out.

I have what I fondly refer to as my "Cast of Characters". For some reason, I like making up stories in my head about people I don't know. It entertains me. They are the stars of my personal morning show.

Cast of Characters:

Mr. Red Shirt - he shows up every day without fail...walking...walking. He is older and is not a trim man....not big...just not small... and I wonder if he had something go wrong with his heart. I wonder if he waited this long to start  being active, but is now trying to make a change. We wave, smile, say "Good Morning" and count on the next morning...

*Update - I worry about Mr. Red Shirt - I haven't seen him in weeks...the story in my head says that he has had a heart relapse and I worry about his wife...

Miss Perky Ponytail - waves in an eager way every few days. Not every day, but then she is very young...and really waaay to perky! Her ponytail swings happily from side to side while she runs and waves in a perky sort of way. Really, I want to be annoyed by her, but she is just so cute and happy. That was probably me in a younger life.

*Update - She has been joined by Miss Perky Ponytail #2 and they are perky and yak yak while they walk...no more running - too much interruption to their conversation.

Mr. I'm too Cool to turn my Head to acknowledge you. That's okay, he will probably end up like Mr. Red Shirt someday. Have some fun! Look at me in the eye when you run by. I will smile and say good morning and maybe, just maybe you WILL have a good morning!

*Update - Still doesn't turn his head...and does NOT look like he is having fun.

Ms. I am Older Than you, but in Shape with a BIG smile! - She should annoy me, but I like her. She is probably getting shin splints from the cement she runs on. If we sat down to tea, she would be happy and gracious...I just know it.

*Update - She is still at it she always smiles, is in terrific shape and wears the same outfit each day - like I do!

Ms. In my thirties and I'm divorced already and thought these Rollerblades may be effective especially without KNEEPADS!....  Okay, I cannot fault anyone for being as bold as rollerblades when they are no longer the rage.... just sayin' - She didn't fall.... but then I don't see her everyday.

*Update - She gave up quickly. I hope she didn't fall without her knee pads. Maybe she and her husband got back together and they rollerblade as a family on Saturdays together....it could happen!

Mr. Bald BIG DOBERMAN dog walker - From now on I will warn him when I am coming up behind him.... his dobie almost had me for an early breakfast! Fortunately, he had a tight leash on him... makes me wonder. But, we smile and say "Good Morning" each day.

*Update - See him every day - I guess people's animals MAKE them be consistent. I hope he picks up his dog droppings....I'm still petrified of his dog.

Mr. I Have a Cool Convertible BMW (I sure hope nobody notices that it is being held together with duct tape... AND I don't have air conditioning...) - For pete's sake - we live in ARI-frickin-ZONA people! Who cares if you look cool...if you don't have air conditioning YOU ARE MISERABLE!

*Update - See him in this "cool" car every morning. At least he has a job to go to. Maybe he can get his air conditioner fixed, because I think he just loves his duct taped car!

My two doggie friends - Old Tired Man Australian Shepherd and Middle Aged Girl Barking Border Collie - they are friends - perhaps mates. But the old man is too tired to bark anymore. The middle aged Girl is still ready to partaaayyy! (Is this why I like her so much?)

*Update - Even the Middle Aged Girl is not as eager to bark anymore...I guess I know the feeling!

The bird on the corner of Greenfield and Frye as I round the corner to my last stretch - has a wolf whistle - I KID YOU NOT!! Every time I look around to see who the jerk is who is whistling at me at five in the morning....turns out it is just the same old bird... can't tell if I am disappointed or happy....

*Update - I make sure I run that route often, just so I can get someone to whistle at me.

Then there is the tiny donkey who wears the face mask (to keep flies off his eyes) and has looked at me silently for months....then all of a sudden he decides to do that donkey racket to me and scared the bejeebers out of me, but I had a good giggle when I realized what it was!

*Update - The earlier I get up and run and the darker it is outside...well, sometimes I don't see this noisy tiny donkey... but I miss him.

If you have read this far, then you really do need to get a life.  I mean you are reading about a bunch of people and animals that I have made up stories about.

There is one more....it is Shawn's house. It is about 3/4 of a mile down Frye and it is an old broken down tiny ranch house. It isn't even charming, but just sits there, lifeless. Actually, every place I pass seems lifeless at 5 a.m. About once a month there is a big semi-truck parked in front. "It is Shawn's truck," I invent in my mind. Shawn used to run the ranch after his daddy died, but had to get a regular job because of the rotten economy and that keeps him away for weeks at a time. His mother lives in that old falling down house and his son lives with her there. Shawn's wife left him and the boy when the hard times hit. Shawn has kept the boat and horse trailer for when he is in town and can take his son out. It's the best he can do.

That's all I "know" about Shawn, but I know that if I make it as far as his house, then I am almost to the end of Frye and can turn on Higley and then onto Fairview so I can see the dogs and get my whistle...

Pathetic.

I know.

LIVIN' IN THE MOMENT

I just discovered this song a few moments ago. Lucky you.

Because I told my friend that I felt a blog coming on and it started something like this:

"Why is it that I end up feeling like shit (yes, I said it…)" - 

The rest of it is not really fit for human consumption. Let's just say I was butt hurt (a term I learned from my oldest daughter.) AND let's leave it at that.

My insides were starting to get roiled.... and then I heard this song and it brought the smile back to my face and reminded me that today and right now is really quite important.

 

*The blue is my comment

   "Living In The Moment"

Jason Mraz

If this life is one act
Why do we lay all these traps?
We put them right in our path
When we just wanna be free

I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about all the things
That will not happen to me

As I think of all of the moments, days and years I have spent in wasted worry, it makes me want to run back and try to grab them... but then that would defeat the purpose of this realization that I have. All of the "What if's" that never happened....

So I just let go of what I know I don't know
And I know I'll only do this by
Living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Peace in my soul

So this song is saying that if I just let go of what I know I don't know (which is almost everything I vex about...) I will have peace of mind, heart and soul! If I know that's true, then why do I forget it so much?

Wherever I'm going, I'm already home
Living in the moment

I just love that when I live today and let tomorrow worry about itself, I don't have to always wonder where I'm going because I'm already there!

I'm letting myself off the hook for things I've done
I let my past go past

Easier said than done. I mean, I THINK I may be able to let myself off the hook, if so many others in my life would let me off the hook and let me live my life. But then, that's part of the point of this concept - don't worry about "them."

And now I'm having more fun

So much fun!

I'm letting go of the thoughts
That do not make me strong
And I believe this way can be the same for everyone

And if I fall asleep
I know you'll be the one who'll always remind me
To live in the moment
To live my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I can't walk through life facing backwards
I have tried

I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I'd been searching for
But I spun around and hurt no more

Amazing when you turn around and walk forward, how clearly your path shows up. You can't find what you're searching for when you are looking in the wrong direction!

By living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I'm living in the moment
I'm living my life
Just taking it easy
With peace in my mind
Got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Oh, wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I'm living in the moment
I'm living my life
Oh, easy and breezy
With peace in my mind

In May of last year I wrote about living in today but I must have lost sight of it...I must have needed a reminder, so this song came up on my Spotify list.

I am reminded of when my young son was asked what he was doing, he said, "Nothin' - just livin'!" Now HE knew how to LIVE IN THE MOMENT!

So, no need for the snarky blog. I have decided to live in each moment.

Life has been patiently waiting for me. I'm movin' on

Starting a new chapter... Closing the book... Closing the door... Moving on....

Those are all phrases I keep hearing about changes in life, especially divorce.

My divorce.

This isn't up for opinion and I'm not asking for advice. It just is.

You may not be okay with it.

I am.

As I mentioned in a previous blog "WHERE ARE YOU MY FRIENDS?" , many of who I thought were my dearest friends, are silent...still. Still silent and gone from my life. Sad.

RIP: June 26, 1976 to September 15, 2012.

It has been so very interesting over the last dozen years, to watch the slow cancerous death of a long marriage.  I will not go into detail, but I need you to know that there was no resuscitating this, and yes, I tried. But there comes a time when further attempts become foolish and ridiculous. 

So, I will not go into an angry rant. But rather, I want to play a song for you. You can understand it or not. I don't really care. My last blog: "WHO DIED AND MADE YOU GOD?" was the last criticism that I am going to take from any so called Christian brothers or sisters. I just don't deserve that from anyone. I have been hard enough on myself.

Much of this song by Rascal Flatts, "I'm Movin' On" is very profound for me.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons...

 *more than you will ever know

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself

*inner peace that is not given to me by people's opinions....but the assurance that I am doing the right thing.

I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change

*I've blamed myself and I've been blamed by family and friends. The only one who DID NOT blame me was God.

 *I have not been allowed to change by those who I know.

But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong

*But here I am, in a "faraway land" and I now call it home.

 

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me 

 

*I am so very excited as I step into my future

There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

*Speaks for itself...

Give a listen: (full lyrics are below)

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons

Finally content with a past I regret

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I'm at peace with myself

I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces

Each one is different but they're always the same

They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it

They'll never allow me to change

But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong

I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me

And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone

There comes a time in everyone's life

When all you can see are the years passing by

And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't

Stopped to fill up on my way out of town

I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't

I had to lose everything to find out

Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on 

WHO DIED AND MADE YOU GOD?

There are a lot of blogs rattling around in my head, but I simply could not NOT write about this.

I knew that the judgments have been brewing against me and my divorce, but up until this letter I got from a "friend" - no one had admitted their thoughts...

This is a gentleman and his (former) wife who knew us and our family. I will not identify him and if he is reading my blog, I hope he will understand the impact a few words mixed with a lot of bitterness can have on one life...or many, depending on your position of influence and/or authority.

I'm just going to reprint the dialog, because my responses say it all, and if they seem harsh- they ARE, and this man needed to hear it! (Conversation is word for word except I took out all names).

Mr. Pharisee:
Where's your husband, "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, Until DEATH do us part!" I can identify with [your ex-husband] (not a perfect guy, as we NOW know), my wife left me and divorced me too, but not for a justifiable cause. Do you have a biblical, justifiable cause? Where's GOD?! Just sayin!






Me:
Not that I owe you any explanation OR that it is ANY of your business, but yes, I do have a biblical, justifiable cause...just sayin!





The next day:

Mr. Pharisee:
Thanks. Sorry, kinda went off last night. Life gets pretty painful at times and I let my "old fleshly man" act out. Please forgive me. Wishing you ALL the Best!


Me:


You didn't "kinda" go off - you were so far out of line, you weren't even in the same universe!



I am thankful that my relationship with the Lord is as strong as it is, because if it were not, your judgmental message would have devastated me. For those weaker in the faith, you could have been the catalyst to drive them over the edge of losing faith.



Fortunately, my faith does not depend on the opinions of the Pharisees, but on the work of the cross. That is no thanks to you, but Jesus.



That all being said, this message really threw me for a loop. I spent the evening crying because it was so surprising to me that anyone in the body of Christ would say that sort of thing. It was as if someone came up behind me and whacked me in the back of the head with a Bible. It is because of people like you that I do not attend church. I AM the church….the bride of Christ - and He does not like people talking to His bride that way.



[Mr. Pharisee], this is none of your business, just as your situation is none of my business…(and don't quote any scripture to me, I know and love the Word.) I know you apologized and I do accept, but that cannot erase the re-opened wound. I think it is ironic that your "ministry" is reconciliation, yet your life sermon is judgment.



Please reconsider your position of ministering from your bitterness. Get healed before you try to heal others with your caustic words.



That is all.


Mr. Pharisee:
Thank you SO much for responding. Actually my ministry isn't out of Judgement but grace. I have experienced so much grace and support since [my wife] left and then divorced me. I have NEVER said anything like that before to ANY one and I'm so SORRY that it caused you such pain. The past few weeks have been a challenge, totally unrelated to marriage, divorce or any of that. Once again I as your deepest forgiveness. I have no idea of the circumstances that led to you're separation and divorce and, as you say, it REALLY is NONE of my business. I've always loved and respected you and [former husband] and your family..... We all went through a difficult and challenging experience at the church with [former pastor] - who is still my friend, as is [former husband]. Have seen him at [former pastor's] place a couple of times when I was in [town] visiting [family]. 

I wish you the VERY BEST for the rest of your life. You're a beautiful, creative and gracious woman. Again, I'm very sorry for giving in to my fleshly weaker human nature last night. [My ex-wife] and I have a good, friendly relationship and there's never been animosity or hostility between us. Perhaps something surfaced last night that I was unaware of and I need to and WILL deal with it. Two of my good friends, [former pastor], [former husband] and also me are now divorced and trying to make our way in a world that is changing significantly and rapidly. God has been so Good and Gracious to me and I'm sure to you and us all.



In His Love & Grace,




 I have so many thoughts and yes, judgments on this that I have decided not to respond much further than what you see that I wrote.

One of the things that stood out to me in this AND when many well-meaning Bible-thumpers talk to me OR anyone wearing their stripe is all of the jargon that is thrown in out of habit or the desire to look spiritual. When you end it with "In His Love & Grace" - that doesn't erase everything. Don't give me that "old fleshly man" shite to mask the fact that you are human! Imagine that - a human - just like you were created to be!  GO FIGURE!

This scripture keeps coming up to me and, believe me, it is not just pointed at Mr. Pharisee, but straight at me as well.

Matthew 7:1-3

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

(I guess I am now experiencing the "ruler" I used to measure others, eh?)

 If you call yourself a Christian, believer, born again, or any of those identifying markers - then you had better watch yourself. You have the power to flick someone over the edge with your Jesus-flags you carry or the GIGANTIC Bible you use as a weapon.

***She is now stepping down off of her soapbox***