STAND AND CHOOSE JOY....AGAIN (...or Saving my Sister From the Lion!)

I thought I already chose JOY. But I find myself slipping back into some place that I don't want to be. I truly believe that I am right where God wants me...then why do I feel so bad?

And is bad all that bad? 

I mean...should I be avoiding bad feelings or should I embrace them? I really don't know.

You see, I put my emotions on "hold" for a very, very long time....a VERY long time. Maybe they got rusty or something, because when I go to "feel" it is such unfamiliar territory for me. I shut 'em down to avoid bad feelings...

I told myself that avoiding bad feelings helped others.

Here is what I mean... When you express bad things or feelings, it makes others uncomfortable and when one lives their life out of the habit of pleasing others, it is, without question, the kindest and most sensible thing to do. RIGHT? hmmmmm.....

So now that I live alone and am in a position that many of my friends don't know what to do with because the whole situation makes them uncomfortable or they don't know what to say or are afraid to ask me about it....

Many of my friends have mysteriously been missing from my life. But that's another blog.

Back to the bad feelings....do I run away from them or face them?

There are two sides of the fence on this one. Which are you on?

When I was a little girl, I remember specifically some of my nightmares. I didn't have an inordinate amount, but enough to keep me respectful of the dark! One of them was actually AFTER I woke up to a noise in the dark room that I shared with my little sister. I heard a LION on the top bunk! He was breathing like any normal lion would. I opened my eyes and I saw his tail hanging down from the end of the top bunk and one of his paws was draped over the side! He had eaten my little sister who slept up there! ....and he just lay there breathing...

What would you have done at that moment? 

Some of you would hide your heads under the covers and lie awake in fear until morning. Nothing wrong with that.

What did I do? Like any good big sister, I took a deep breath and I prayed and jumped up and turned on the light so I could see the lion that ate my sister and deal with him!

What happened next...?! Well, I saw that his tail was the belt to a robe hanging off the end of the top bunk and his paw was the sleeve from that same robe and my little sister was up there sleeping and breathing JUST LIKE A LION!

What if I had kept my head under to covers in fear all night? I know I would not have slept a wink and I would have still had to deal with the carnage in the morning.

My point is obvious, I hope. Looking at bad things square in the face seems to be ultimately a more healthy approach to it.

But sometimes the angst it takes to get there is quite overwhelming.

I ran across this song by Rascal Flatts. I don't think it's new, but I really liked the message:

"Stand"

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless

Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

[Chorus:]

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel

With the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon

With only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend till you break

Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad, you get strong

Wipe your hands, shake it off

Then you stand, then you stand

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

Oh

So I guess I just have to get back up, dust off and make the choice for JOY AND to save my sister from the lion!

Waiting for the Strength

Here is what the quiet of yesterday brought me.... tears today....

...streaming down my face.

I guess my insides are not as healthy as I thought. I feel like I'm damaged goods. I feel like I'm used up.

Too old to start over and too young to give in. 

I was hoping that the quiet would bring me strength. But right now I don't feel very strong - just vulnerable and weak. I'm hoping that this is all a part of it.

I can't use the PMS excuse anymore, so I'm hoping the moon is full so I have an excuse for all of this.

So, I was quiet...now I need to trust...right?

 "Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” 

 ....He will also send you rain for the seed you sow in the ground, and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful. In that day your cattle will graze in broad meadows.   .....streams of water will flow on every high mountain and every lofty hill. The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the Lord binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted."     -Isaiah

 So, I wait for it.

qui·et

I surround myself with friends and family. I LOVE my friends and family. Sometimes I will talk with them late into the night. I speak words to them, they speak words to me.

With my new job and all the activities I have involved myself in recently, I have suddenly felt the desperate need to retreat to quiet.

I love my Quiet.

And when I am without it...I feel it ever so much.

qui·et

1. free, or comparatively free, from noise.
2. free from disturbance or tumult; tranquil; peaceful.
3. being at rest.
4. making no disturbance or trouble; not turbulent; peaceable.
5. free from disturbing thoughts, emotions, etc.; mentally peaceful.
6. not showy or obtrusive; subdued.
7. not busy or active.

I have a friend who is NOT quiet. In fact, she does not have a quiet bone in her body! Even when no words are necessary OR appropriate, she is noisy and rather annoying for anyone who is around her. It isn't necessarily the words she speaks, but the turbulence of her spirit.

One of my favorite scriptures that has been highlighted in my Bible for many years is part of: Isaiah 30:15. It says: 

"...in quietness and trust is your strength."

To me that means exactly what it says. So it got me to thinking about all of the "spiritual" words and phrases that people use. "Filler" words and phrases - especially while they are praying and it really grates on me.

Go back to quiet. 

 

We don't need words to fill in the silent blanks. In fact, those silent blanks are precisely where our strength comes from! It doesn't come from figuring out the "right" formula of words or phrases or "anointed" praise and worship (whatever that means.)

....but it comes from quietness

 

....and there is no other way you can slice it. You may say "that's just not my personality." It's NOT about your personality. It's about the silence that allows you to focus on the unseen. It's about not allowing your thoughts to be crowded out with so much noise.

When you are in a noisy room, you can't hear me talking to you. But when we are alone and you are not speaking, you can hear me.

Go into your cone of silence. Just be quiet.

Be quiet and get strong.

JUST ENOUGH TO GET TO HEAVEN

I've been accused.

By Who? For What?

WHO...?

Why, the Accuser, of course. Huh? Let me see if I can explain....

Every step I take, every move I make, seems to be informed by the tradition and religiosity that I was steeped in. 

GUILT IS EVERYWHERE

There is a scripture waiting to hit me over the head for everything I do, good or bad.

My Accuser knows how to use this to his advantage and to my destruction... or perhaps a lot of it is my own voice in my head that recites these rules and keeps me bound in guilt and holds me back from the freedom that we were meant to live in. But then, what is the difference?

When I was a little girl and all the way through grownupsville, I lived in fear of "missing" or "not making it" to heaven. 

What would keep me out of heaven? 

EVERY MOVE I MADE

Direct or implied, here is just a partial list: If I didn't go to church. If I associated with people who didn't go to church...our church...NOT the Baptist one down the street, and CERTAINLY not the Catholic Church! If I took communion without repenting of my sins. If I peeked while praying. If I didn't pray. If I prayed the wrong thing. If I didn't pray before my meals. If I wore a Saint Christopher when going steady with Randy Blackwell, If I danced. If I went to the movies. If I lied. If I expressed my true feelings. If I associated with "the world" and worse yet, if I accepted them without them being in our religious club. If I didn't stand up on the rooftop and preach a condemning gospel.  If I didn't read my Bible every day. If I didn't tithe.  If I smoked. If I had sex before marriage. If I didn't become the subservient slave in marriage. If I didn't go to the alter and get saved every Sunday. If I voted for Kennedy instead of Nixon. If I had questions or doubts. If I said bad words (but not if I talked behind someone's back.) If I didn't love my brother or sister.

....to name just a few.

I remember when my siblings and I would fight as children. We might go to mom and say, "I hate her!" Mom would explain that we couldn't hate....so we would say, "Okay then, I love her JUST enough to get to heaven!"

Because LOOKING guilty and BEING guilty are two different things.

Where did these rules come from? Nobody seems to know. That's why I believe that they come from the Accuser. Accusations have no bearing on the truth...unless you believe what the accuser is saying and make it the truth about you.

This is what the Bible says about the matter:

"Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: 
   They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.    We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. (Rom. 8:37-39- The Message)

I find that to be liberating! Truth is, I always knew that I was "safe" - but wanted to make doubly sure that I didn't miss the boat.

So I would duck under the table at school, pretend to pick up my straw that I dropped, and pray for my meal...just in case Jesus came... 

.....but I did not love those very people that Jesus died for.

What is going to ensure that I walk through the pearly gates?

“The most important commandment,” answered Jesus, “is this:  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.”

By my calculations, there are two do's and NO don't's. Because if you live the do's you won't need to be worrying about any don't's. If you live the do's then the Accuser is left with nothing to hold against you.

Problem solved. Guilt Gone. And I love you JUST enough to get to heaven...

and THAT is perfect!