SHAT UPON

I should have known. 
I did know
But I hoped.....

I saw that little one before even her 

mother did. 

I cried as I saw the crown of her head emerging from her mother's body. 
I saw it first. 
I cried first.

I will cry for her my whole life...

I saw the fear in the hospital staff's eyes and their quick movements when she came out purple from a cord around the neck....


I sang her the first lullaby she will ever hear....

I gave her the first bath she will ever have.....

 









Her mother let her stay just long enough to fall in love








Her mother let her stay just long enough to make the ripping away hurt the worst.

Her mother let her stay just long enough that when she is grown, she will feel a missing piece where her Granny belongs.

Her young and impulsive mother is taking this precious baby into parts unknown without protection, without a plan, without a purpose.

The pain of this cruelty is almost unbearable.

The pain is NOT the anticipation of missing my Granddaughter, but knowing that she has no earthly protector and that she is already headed for dangerous circumstances. The mother has already proven what her first concern is and it is not the child.

But it is happening and we have absolutely no control over her foolish life choices.

I am usually armed with answers, but this one has left me without. My feelings are all over the place. 
I am:

• Sad
• Angry
• Scared
• Hardened
• Vulnerable
• Ugly inside
• Protective

This is one of the songs I sang to her every day. I started to sing it to her after her mother told us that we weren't good enough for her and HER baby and it caught in my throat when I got to the part where I sang "I could never live without you....." 

____________________________________________________

Funny thing is - rescuing her mother from the dangerous circumstances in Washington was NOT my idea. I had vowed NEVER to try to rescue or help her again (long story....LONG story). I had been shat upon so many times before, that I had to protect myself....

Crime and jail came into the picture as well as a repeat felon and heroin addicted boyfriend, now in prison but still madly in love....

Meth came into the picture.....
then the baby came into the picture....yes, pregnant while still addicted.
Which, of course, changed everything.

I did try to be a hard, cold bitch.... but I could not look past the fact that an innocent baby would be coming into this world and be raised by an impulsive child.

So, with permission from the mother, I swooped in again.... used my resources and had hope.... so much hope. Mother moved home with us and started school and was not asked to do anything but take care of her sweet baby...... but that was not good enough, so she quit school, hated on the two people who gave her shelter, love, respect and another chance....

and now she is running again.

Am I sorry I rescued her?
You bet I am! 

You can say what you want, but when your heart has been cruelly broken as many devastating times as mine has....you just want to leave them all behind and not give your address or phone number.

So, after a week long shitstorm, I am ever so ready to let her go..... again. 

But my tears will not stop for that innocent life.

Just One Flick....Over the Edge

Nearly 8 years ago, my two sons were arrested together while they were both attending a Christian Liberal Arts University. There was a female there who was in charge of Student Life (or something like that), whose name will not be printed. 

She was instrumental in causing some pretty major problems in, not only my family, but many others as well. This is a FACT and not an accusation.

This is a letter I wrote to her almost a year later as I saw her and other VERY influential leaders at the school pick lives off one by one. 

This letter is reprinted only because I am still seeing fallout from this era. And I wish that there were those who TRULY cared about each student and not their own political position at the university.

Read on:

          Dear _______________,

This letter has taken me almost a year to write because I needed to make sure that my heart and attitude was right before I attempted to pen my feelings and views on this.  But the more time that goes by, the more desperate I am to let you know how you can and do affect lives. So it is with a heart of truth and a fair amount of trepidation, that I send you this letter.   To refresh your memory, let me recap the beginning. One year ago, my two sons were arrested in Ellensburg, WA on a marijuana possession charge. This was one of the more heartbreaking things this mother has had to go through. Let me say it this way… you never look down into your baby’s eyes and imagine him or her in an orange jumpsuit and handcuffs. But it happened, I can't change it, and I still love my sons.   When the news reached your office, you got the unpleasant duty of facing these boys with their offense and their consequences. In your first communication with me, you couldn’t say enough about how wonderful my youngest son was… but it certainly went downhill from there. He understood why he had to leave the dorms and was quite okay with it – he knew he really messed up. He had expressed to us that he was glad he got arrested and that it was a wake up call for him…. and it has been.   After he vacated the dorms, in an effort to be restored to the school’s good graces, he set up an appointment with you, which he missed. He felt quite badly and was very apologetic to you and tried several times to set up another appointment, knowing that it was at your convenience, not his, because of his missing the first.  At that point you cut him off. That was it. No follow up, no restoration attempts... you were done with him.   Fortunately, my sons are from a very strong heritage of men of faith. Men that had to go through the tests of fire that the Word says we will have to withstand. But our family has followed the Lord for several generations. I am not worried about them and your harsh effect on them. Unlike many others, they had a soft place to fall.   Here is the primary reason I am writing you: I am deeply concerned about your judgment without mercy on other young people who have not had the strong upbringing and support that my sons have been privileged to have. What about the students that are new to the faith and they read the Bible and it says that we are to restore one another in love?  When they make a poor judgment and face you, what they get is a sound beating and then you turn your back on them. How does that show Christ's love?  What about the student from an abusive 'christian' home? They come and find that we are no more loving here than at home, so they walk completely away from the faith.... and find another 'tribe' that will love them.   The NU Community handbook is filled with scripture about burden bearing, love, reconciliation and restoration, The current NU methods have shown the students quite the opposite. Rather than restoration, they are marginalized....out of the 'club'.... no longer part of ‘the chosen’ at N*******t. What does this say to them,  the rest of the student body and the world that watches us? It says that Christ is not forgiving - he's judgmental. Christ is not loving - he's stern and hostile if you cross him. God did not send His Son to die for all of us, just the ones that follow the rules.     I have seen young people come to N*******t who are wounded so acutely, that one little 'flick' will send them over the edge. We, as mature Christ followers are to be the ones who put our spiritual arms around them and support them until they can walk on their own.... not kick them while they are down.     Bottom line: We are to be the face of Christ to the world and it is no different within the NU community.  If you treat these 'almost over the edge' students the way

you treated my sons, they will go over the edge with no one to notice. They are much more likely to leave the faith because someone who was more spiritual than them and supposed to love them, dealt harshly and rancorously with them.   I don't write this from the seat of judgment, just from my heart and the corner of the bookstore where I see and hear far more than I sometimes want to.    I also will not write this secretly, which is why I am copying some of the people who need to know the effect this can have on the precious people who entrust their hearts to us here at N*******t University. I understand that this will upset and possibly alienate you and those who read it, however, I am willing to take that chance rather than ignoring this strong conviction to write this letter.   I am not asking for a response from you, except that you have a change of heart in dealing with the people who you are serving.

.......Well, I copied the president, the provost and a few others and NOTHING came of it except some shunning. We had a meeting and she threatened a lawsuit..... not sure what for, but she later phased out, but not before she caused more devastation.

This is not a bitter diatribe - but just shows how one person can cause ripples in so many lives by the cruelty of not loving.

That's all. I'm tired.

I SAW YOU TODAY

I saw you today
My son

You were older somehow
much older than I remember you being

You walked past my car
It took my breath and I had to stop

I had to stop breathing....
I had to stop thinking about anything else 
but you

Truth is....
I have seen you many times this week 

in my dreams, in my visions, in pictures...
sometimes they were welcoming and sometimes terrifying

...but this time it was in the flesh.

You were still tall and lanky and a style all your own, your long hair and a hat could not hide the weariness that was seeping out of your every move....weariness of heart

But you also wore the miles of so much pain...
Your face no longer had the hope of what you are inside 
only the unexpectedness of how fast the misused years had gone by

I restrained myself from jumping out of the car and running toward you....

because as you passed by, it was someone else...

and then I let myself cry again

SMILING IN THE DARK

Have you ever thought about it? ....smiling in the dark? Do you do it?

I do.

I caught myself the other night after I had fallen into bed. I was tired. I was distracted from all of the day's happenings. It was pitch black. 

And I was smiling.

The smile came from a joy inside....a good peace.

So now I am writing about it and remembering a song that I sang when I was a little girl:

So let the sun shine in, face it with a grin.
Smilers never lose and frowners never win.
So let the sun shine in face it with a grin
Open up your heart and let the sun shine in.

Maybe there is more to a smile than I ever knew. I found a blog today that talks about the science of smiling. The writer says:

"Once the smiling muscles in our face contract, there is a positive feedback loop that now goes back to the brain and reinforces our feeling of joy."  

(click on the above quote to see the whole article on the blog.)

So, which comes first, the smile or the joy? Sometimes one and sometimes the other.

keywords: smile, smiling, joy, let the sunshine in, peace, smiling in the dark

YOU ARE THE BOSS OF YOURSELF

Yes, you are. You may not think that I know this, but I do.

You became the official boss of yourself when you walked out of the door at 17 years old. 

So, what did you think would happen? Did you think that someone would magically come and sweep you off of your feet and take care of you for the rest of your life? Instead and unfortunately, you have been knocked off of your feet a few times by the mistreatment of men.

Truth is, since you are the boss of yourself....you allowed it. Mistreatment should only happen to you ONCE. After that, it is YOUR fault.

Did I teach you that? Did I teach you to stay for another round of mistreatment? 

Perhaps I did and I'm sorry.

You are the boss of yourself.

My intention was to help you become strong and independent. My hopes were that you would smile at trouble and walk through storms without complaining about getting wet.

The trouble with parenting is that, as my dad used to say, "you get too soon old, and too late smart."

Oh, don't worry, I am not taking the blame anymore. I've learned from those who have come before you. 

It didn't happen TO you.... you bossed it into existence.

Pregnant? Sorry chick, I do not remember telling you to stay with a man who would not take responsibility for this. Instead, he continued his dark drug habit and convinced you that it was a good idea to follow his lead...

Meth? That's quite a life sentence for the child within you. Somewhat like the life sentence you were given originally, but had the good fortune to be raised in a home that showed you there were other ways to live.

But since YOU are the boss of yourself, you chose the rough and destructive road.

You didn't have to.....but you did.

Now what? You have a child coming into your arms that you will have to feed, clothe and raise and mostly, love. 

It won't magically raise itself and nobody will swoop down to save you from your destructive behavior. Now you have two lives to be responsible for and so far, it hasn't been working to well for you.

Can you do it? Of course you can....but you have to be willing to put on your big girl panties and turn around and walk the other way.

You need to walk out of your fantasies and into reality.

Being the boss of yourself is not always a picnic....but when you start bossing yourself into success, it is better than you ever dreamed!

Mothers always hope.

keywords: meth, boss of yourself, destructive behavior, mistreatment by men, pregnant and single, responsibility, how is it working for you, success

JOHN SMITH IS ALIVE

Okay....so.... weird day today.

I think a lot in the morning. It's when I run. It's when I shower. It's when I eat crackers and cheese and drink espresso in bed. Sometimes I check Facebook. It's when I put on my makeup.....

....and sometimes I cry that makeup off.

I don't mean to. I chide myself for thinking of things that make my mascara fall into the sink and my tinted moisturizer slide off of my face and down to my chin and into the folds of my neck. But today, I had to wait it out...the tears I mean.

It was not unlike last week when I just left all of my makeup off and went to my team meeting bare faced without embarrassed explanation.

But today....

Today I began thinking about a fine young man that I work with. He is 23 and makes his mama proud.

...and it made me cry.

Why? Because that's what I want for my son. A fulfilling and productive life.

So, I gather myself together and check Facebook. Someone has posted an article and video about a young man, John Smith who miraculously came back to life after his heart stopped for 45 minutes.

He came back to life....because his mother prayed him back! After I saw that I asked God to bring my baby boy back to me...back to life. Of course I cried more.....couldn't help it.

He was scheduled to meet his sister today after not having seen her for a very very long time....and he didn't show.

Not trying to be negative and morbid....but I can't help but sit here after a very long day and cry again for the loss of yet another dream....