SORTING OUT MY TOYS

Not sure that nighttime is a good time to write...we'll see.

It's not good because it is dark and I like light. It makes my heart happier. But, it is dark out and I am feeling kind of "punk" - as my grandmother used to put it.

This is too depressing, I am not going to write anymore tonight. I am going to write in the light of day, Tigger is out then. Eeyore stays up late.

Okay, now I'm in a different frame of mind. Last week was a full moon and my outlook was dreary... I'm better now, thankyouverymuch!

I moped around all week long, until Friday I decided to get out of my mope zone and knock it off. I had started wallowing. Wallowing in my recent circumstance, wallowing in this "what the heck is going on?" thought process, and wallowing in everything happening family-wide. I was wallowing out of control!

I got into the car on started off for my sister's house in Dana Point. I automatically turned the radio on. I don't listen to the radio like some people do...I like talk radio. I'm not a big fan of listening to radio music. So, for some reason it was on a station that I do not like....AT ALL. It is a "christian" station - but the weirdest one on the planet.

Well, what was playing was obnoxious to me. It was an older sounding preachy type of man quoting scriptures about training up your children and disciplining them or they will "run amok." (Yes, he really said that.)

It started me to thinking about my failures as a parent and giving myself my usual flogging for the wide variety of mistakes I made....wishing I had do-overs...hoping they can survive having had me as a mother....ad nauseum.

I also remembered that no mother in the world loved her children as much as I have.

So I began thinking (dangerous, I know....) about discipline.... I asked the Lord if what I am going through in my life is discipline from Him or not? Because I thought that if it wasn't Him, and it was something evil, then I probably couldn't trust the Lord... and THAT is not an option in my mind.

I said aloud...in the car...on the freeway... "Okay, Lord...WHAT!?" If this is "time-out" in my life, I want to know what you are trying to teach me while I'm standing in the corner...

......and this is where the Lord took over. As I listened He gave me three very clear directions:

•  No more blaming.  I have blamed everyone from myself, my husband and children right on down to the dog and general public for anything negative that has happened. Sometimes the blame is "deserved"... But in the end, it DOESN'T MATTER! I just needed to clear all of the blame out of my mind and heart.   

"Okay...I can do that...what's next?"

• Keep listening.  Ever since I was 16 years old, when the Lord called me to be his, he has spoken to me so very personally. I have had an ongoing conversation with him. However, my listening has been sporadic these days. His voice (not literal) is drowned out by my attention to technology (computer, phone, tv, music....) 

Have you ever been talking to someone and noticed that you have lost their attention to their I-Phone? All you can really do is shut up because even though their voice may be answering you and their head may be nodding, they are not really listening.  

That is what I have been doing with my listening to God... Music is playing, facebook is open, I'm fielding text messages and twittering all while he is trying to speak to me.

"Be still and know that I am God."
"In quietness and trust is your strength."

THAT is what he meant by "keep listening."

• Accept and Abide.  The importance of accepting the discipline the Lord is giving me is key to this for me. 

When my kids were little, their styles were all different. I had some that would instantly learn from their mistakes and the discipline that ensued and rarely do the same thing again. But there were some that would look at me with eyes of rebellion. Their lips would be telling me yes, but their eyes said, "Not on your life!"  One of my kids, even though that one didn't always learn the principle I had hoped for, would get grounded and, after expressing great displeasure, would come to me and say something like, "Ya know, mom, I am glad I am grounded...it will give me a chance to sort out my toys."

I think that is what this "accept" thing means. It is a time to 'sort out my toys' and get rid of the ones that are no longer useful.

...And like it or not....I continue to ABIDE.

I'M FRAPPY HAPPY! ....AND OTHER WEAKNESSES

Okay...I really didn't mention my love of Starbuck's Javachip Frappuccinos for any other reason than I am almost addicted. I'm not fully addicted because if I were, I would be on the streets, like my friend, the Dark Woman. I only get Starbuck's Javachip Frappuccinos when someone buys them for me....

Which brings me to the subject of this blog....what the heck?! I have way more friends than I even THOUGHT! All of a sudden,  my friends are buying me Starbuck's Javachip Frappuccinos and beyond!

Truly, I have been humbled by the love and concern you have for me. Not just for my "addiction" - but for my life in general.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. And I cannot thank you enough for your generosity and outpouring of love. I have always treasured my friends, and lately, have been reminded why.

GIVING VS. RECEIVING

I have been on the side of giving much more than receiving. I must say, it is more comfortable on the "other" side, in so many ways. I was wondering why it is more uncomfortable for me to be on the receiving side... then I read something that Jesus said:

"I've never, as you so well know, had any taste for wealth or fashion. With these bare hands I took care of my own basic needs and those who worked with me. In everything I've done, I have demonstrated to you how necessary it is to work on behalf of the weak and not exploit them. You'll not likely go wrong here if you keep remembering that our Master said, 'You're far happier giving than getting.'"  Acts 20:33-34 The Message

For so long, I have been a "do-it-yourself-er" - in more ways than I knew. I have stubbornly held to the "I can do it myself" mentality. Waiting until my last gasp to ask for help....even from God.

Of course, our strengths are always the same as our weaknesses. I learned this a long time ago...for my kids and husband....but not me.

These songs were pretty much my modus operandi over the years....

I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR! 

On any given day, you may wander by my house or even at work and hear me singing, "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan....."

Really, I am SO not kidding. It isn't that I felt that women were superior or that women were held back in society....it's just that I have always felt strong and, well....invincible.

I have always looked for needs in OTHERS and tried to help them solve THEIR problems and help in different ways. I guess I never considered myself and my need for any help....because - I could do it myself.

....until now. God has brought me to an utterly undone place. Mind you, this place has been lurking for some time and drowned out by my womanly ROAR!  But, through you, my friends, God has led me to this place I have passed over many times....a place that I have ignored the place that shows me that I really do need others.

I'm not sure why, but as I am writing this, my tears are beginning. That bugs me too! I have NO PROBLEM crying over a sad movie or even someone else's need or sorrow. But as I come face to face with my own weakness, it makes me cry. I think it starts as a mad cry, but maybe if I stay with it, the tears will be healing.

Thank you for holding my hand and bringing me here.

ANOTHER DAY....ANOTHER FRAPPUCCINO

Another lovely morning in the land of sunshine and ocean breeze.  And I was all excited to go for my morning walk. The goal was to walk down Bacon, turn left on Santa Monica and stop by the post office to find out why one of my packages has not arrived at its intended destination, order and sip my special treat and go move my car from a block away where I had to park it the night before.

So, with my FREE COUPON in hand, I stopped on Newport and Bacon and ordered a Vente, non-fat, lo-cal, no-whip Java Chip Frappuccino. Pure yummy-ness!

 So far, so good. I walked up Abbott Street and down Long Branch toward my car and then my home. Just as I spied my car, I also spied her. The dark woman. Remember the one that took my frappuccino? Yeah, that one.

As I walked nearer to the corner, guess what the first thing I thought of was?

How is she doing? ...no

Does she have food to eat?  ...no

Has she heard about Jesus?  *sheepishly* ...no

I THOUGHT ABOUT MY FRAPPUCCINO! Yes, I did! I thought, please Lord, don't ask me to give it to her again.

So rather than going to my car, I crossed the street and approached her. She was standing on the corner of Bacon and Long Branch (MY street!)

"Good Morning!"

She returned the greeting while staring off into the distance at something unknown to both of us.

"How is your day going so far?"

"I am waiting for somebody to pick me up." (while munching on dry top ramen noodles)

"Where are you going?"

"I am leaving here. Leaving California! I am going past the point of Mexico..."

"Are you driving to Mexico?"

"No! I said PAST the point of Mexico! All the way down..."

"That's a long drive. Are your friends taking you?"

"Is this an interrogation? I am a lawyer and will arrest you if you don't stop bugging me!" (at this point ramen noodles are falling out of her almost toothless mouth.)

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable with my questions. I was just curious."

"I can put you in jail and you will have to take the stand!"

"I just recognized you from the other day. I met you in the alley."

"Oh, you did? Well, YOUR friend knocked out my front teeth!" (more stray ramens on her chin...)

"Really? Hmmmm....I don't have any friends like that, so it wasn't my friend who did it."

 At this point, I could feel her agitation, so I decided to exit our "friendly" conversation.

"Goodbye. Have a nice trip."

"Thank You - Goodbye" (agitation disappeared.)

I decided to walk down Muir to Cable and approach my house from the other direction and save my car until later.  Secretly, I was nervous that she might take note of my car and I felt a little tiny bit jittery when she raised her voice to me (it could have been the caffeine from the frappuccino.)

Nonetheless, I walked a circuitous route.

I had hoped to see her again. I wanted to know if she would recognize me. I had visions of striking up an unlikely friendship and leading her to Jesus and helping her get off the streets and back to her life and family that she left. It would have made a tear-jerking Lifetime movie.

...and I would have smugly walked off into the sunset. Mother Teresa Cindie saves another life.

Instead, I walked off into the streets of Ocean Beach still sipping on my frappuccino.

A DOLLAR RICHER

I just got back from my morning walk. You see, I am trying to live IN each and every day. So, rather than making excuses, I go for a brisk walk and am always glad I did.

This morning was no different...well, actually it was QUITE different! I mean I was glad I went for the walk, but it was the route that was different. Along that route, God turned one dollar into $10! He also turned my last ten dollars into $1.00.  Miraculous?  I don't really know...YOU be the judge....

I try to travel light, but need my keys & phone, so I have pockets. I was going to drop by the post office to buy stamps and mail a letter, so I took my last $10 bill. I also tucked my debit card into my bra just in case I wanted to pay for the stamps with that and use my last ten dollars to buy my FAVORITE Starbuck's Javachip Frappuccino...just in case...ya never know when that Javachip need will strike and one needs to be ready. But I digress.  At the last second, I shoved a dollar bill that I had into my pocket generously thinking that I would give it to some poor, homeless person - as we have A LOT of them here in Ocean Beach.

So, I briskly walked to the post office on Santa Monica - only a few blocks away. While in line at the post office, I discreetly pulled the debit card out of my bra...feeling that javachip craving beginning...and paid for my stamps with the card, with caffeine and chocolate anticipation on my mind.

Now, if I routed it right, I could have my brisk walk and three blocks away from home, be joyously sipping on my cold Starbuck's Javachip Frappuccino...mmmm....I could almost taste it. In fact, I think it made me walk more vigorously!

I decided to walk all the way down Sunset Cliffs and see where it took me, figuring it ended at the ocean and it did. I had never been down that far yet. It was beautiful. I passed vacationers staying at the Sunset Cliffs Inn and locals out walking their dogs, even a couple having a very serious "discussion" while walking.

On the way back I saw her in the distance. She was what I call, in my mind, one of the "dark people." Black from dirt, carrying a few small bags, very ripped clothing and disconnected from everything around her. She was walking in my direction and I in hers. I passed her, expecting her to ask for money but she just walked on and stared at the ground. I WANTED her to beg for money....then I could magnanimously give her the dollar that I had for her.

So I passed her...and she passed me.... 

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress....."

I passed her...and she passed me....I didn't give her my dollar....she didn't ask for it. I walked on. Wondering why I didn't give her my dollar.

And then God spoke to me..."Turn around and go back."

"Really?!" I argued, "But what if this isn't YOU,  Lord, but just me?"

"But what if it IS me?" he answered. "Besides, if it isn't me, what harm is there in giving?"

"Good point."

So, I headed back. I saw her about a block ahead of me and I lazily prayed that if this was right that she just stop... Instead she turned into an alley. (So much for my magic genie prayer...)  And God told me to give her my $10 bill! My LAST ten dollars! Does he know what he is asking? Crud, now - no Starbuck's Javachip Frappuccino. I trudged on and I found myself hoping that I couldn't find her.

As I rounded the alley, she was down to the first set of trash cans. As I approached her I said, "Good Morning!"

She said with a toothless smile and rather defensively while looking in a trash can, "I am getting my cigarettes. They threw them in there because they don't like me smoking."

Hardly knowing what to say, I looked into her eyes and held out the $10 bill and said, "I feel that I am supposed to give this to you."

"They don't like me smoking." "Thank you."

"God bless you." (I meant it as a prayer rather than to fill the air with something spiritual.)

"Thank you" she said again, as I stared at the few smiling, rotten teeth she had left.

And I turned and left, feeling profoundly humbled by this seemingly small encounter and wondering whether I will ever see her again.

I walked home with a dollar in my pocket that started out as a $10 bill. And my new friend continued down the alley with a $10 bill that God had changed from a one dollar bill.

The money won't buy much for this woman. But maybe she felt loved by God for just a moment. And through my encounter I will pray for her.

I recently watched a riveting documentary called, "The Human Experience" (watched it on Netflix) where several guys experienced many different things around the world in their search for the meaning of life and filmed it. One of the things they did was to experience homelessness on the streets of New York City. Of course, it's not exactly the same, but they got some interesting perspectives. One homeless woman that they interview had this to say:

"When this first happened to me there were 4 dogs on the street…a dog…and everyone was on their cell phone going, "I'll take this dog and we'll take this dog and they all helped the dogs…they all helped the dogs….they took the dogs home so they wouldn't freeze to death and they let me stand there..."

Quoting from one of my favorite books:

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,  I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
   “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?  When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?  When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

    “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

I have a dollar, if anyone wants it. God gave it to me.