BEAUTIFUL BOY

Where have you gone my beautiful boy?

Where have you gone?

Your eyes, once bright blue

have turned to grey...

Where have they gone?

Where have you gone my beautiful boy?

Where have you gone?

Your golden hair now an ashen hue;

Where is the gold now my love?

Where have you gone my beautiful boy?

Where have you gone?

Your rosy cheeks have turned to pale;

Where is the smile that sat in the middle?

Where is the smile that held so many perfect little chicklet teeth?

The smile has given in to your pain…

Where have you gone my beautiful boy?

Where have you gone?

Your once flawless skin now tracked with marks

and the blood that flows beneath, mixed with poison

Where have you gone my beautiful boy?

Where have you gone?

Your strong and tall frame now bent with cares that were never intended to be yours;

Where have you gone? Who took you from me?

How do I get you back?

I am looking for my exuberant child…has anyone seen him?

I know I will find him…

the promise of God rests on his life

There he is! There is my beautiful boy!

He is not lost at all….but resting in the arms of his Father.

I LOVED HER LOVE

As I am here lying in my bed, the very same place that my mother was sleeping a week ago, I am suddenly overcome by emotion and flooded with memories of her face.

The woman who gave me life is now getting close to passing from this one.

Even if she recovers this time, we will never again have the conversations that we used to have. We will never shop for that Easter dress she always wanted me to have, we will never eat at Taco Bell together, and I will not play Skip-Bo with her or hang up from our phone call so she can watch Alex Trebeck, her secret crush, ask the Jeopardy question.

You see, my mother was always my hero. I secretly grew up wanting to be like her. I loved her love. There were a lot of things she wasn't, but the things she was - were powerful. And loving was one.

She was a godly woman. I could not venture to guess how many times she read the Bible through, but I never knew her NOT to read her Bible and study its concepts.

She was a woman of prayer.  She was mighty on her knees. When my mighty warrior father died, I knew she would carry on....and carry on she did. Our family was literally held together by her prayers and faith that God would come through in every situation. And He did...always.

She was a lover of her family. There was never a moment that I did not feel loved by her. She always wanted to know every detail of the family and what everyone was doing and she would use this information to pray for us all. She didn't pass information from one to the next, but kept things to herself and brought them before her heavenly Father.

There were times I would desperately pick up the phone and quickly say "Mom, I need you to pray right now about this." She would say, "OK, call me when you have the answer." Honestly, sometimes not 5 minutes would go by and the answer would be there!

When I was growing up I always knew I could talk to my mother. I probably could have talked to her about more than I did, but she was available and loved to have deep conversations with me.

I know this is a lot of rambling and not very poetic, but I have been holding my emotions in check for this entire week, not wanting to get out of control - and as I looked at a picture that someone in our family posted on Facebook - I was struck by the realities and inevitability of the near future without her...and my face is covered with tears.

Tonight, she is lying nearly lifeless in her hospital bed... 

Dear God, please take her home.

SUNLIGHT ON MY FACE

Heartache....and lots of it. That's what I've had.

Don't stop reading yet. I will try to transition from Eeyore to Tigger, but I need to process this "aloud." Well, you know what I mean.

Now, I don't plan on spelling out all of the heartache because some of it is current and I would not want to sabotage anyone.

But have you ever had such a deep and profound heartache that you can feel it from your very center? If you haven't, you should. Not that I wish this pain on anyone, but it plumbs to your very core and everyone needs to know that everything isn't always hunkey-dorey in life.

When you allow yourself to love someone, whether it is a spouse, child, or friend - you are automatically put in the 'heart-breakable' category.

                                                                                                               

I wrote the above back in May and I am not sure which heartache I was referring to at that point. I do remember writing it and the FEELING that was with it....just not exactly which person in my life I was allowing to twist my heart so much.

...no matter....

The truth is I HAVE had and STILL have heartache! I'm not sure it ever stops. There are humans that I know who don't "seem" to have any. Could this be possible? 

Anyway, it is how we respond to the heartache and how we live AMIDST it that matters.

Viktor E. Frankl, the late Nazi concentration camp survivor and one of the greatest psychologists of the 20th century said this:

"Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

                                                                                                                

Now it is the end of October 2011, and I have gone through several months of a sort of darkness. That is probably why I haven't written anything. 

I gave in to the weights that were pulling me under. I gave in to the thoughts of despair that clouded my thinking. Once that happened, I lost perspective. 

Even King David experienced this. This Psalm is meaningful to me today:

Because he turned his ear to me,
   I will call on him as long as I live.

 The cords of death entangled me,
   the anguish of the grave came over me;
   I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the LORD:
   “LORD, save me!”

 So, I have decided to be happy again. The circumstances haven't changed yet, but I have chosen to crawl out of my deep hole that I had sunk into... and feel the warm sunlight on my face.

                                                                                                               

SAY YOUR PRAYERS LITTLE GIRL!

 6:30 a.m. walking in Ocean Beach. At the corner of Newport and Sunset Cliffs I say "Good Morning!" in my most cheerful voice to a man sitting on the curb feeding an eager group of pigeons. His wheelchair containing what appeared to be all his worldly possessions, was nearby.

He didn't look away from the birds who seemed very protective of their benefactor and he didn't let another breath go by before he answered me in his heavy New York accent:

"Say your prayers little girl! You don't know what a good morning is until you talk to the Lord!"

Okay, now I don't have too much time to wax eloquent this morning, but it made me think about "these people." You know, the ones that God loves so much....the ones that are marginalized by you and me?

Does he really talk to the Lord? Could he possibly know what a good morning is?

I'm thinking yes. But I never thought so before.

SORTING OUT MY TOYS

Not sure that nighttime is a good time to write...we'll see.

It's not good because it is dark and I like light. It makes my heart happier. But, it is dark out and I am feeling kind of "punk" - as my grandmother used to put it.

This is too depressing, I am not going to write anymore tonight. I am going to write in the light of day, Tigger is out then. Eeyore stays up late.

Okay, now I'm in a different frame of mind. Last week was a full moon and my outlook was dreary... I'm better now, thankyouverymuch!

I moped around all week long, until Friday I decided to get out of my mope zone and knock it off. I had started wallowing. Wallowing in my recent circumstance, wallowing in this "what the heck is going on?" thought process, and wallowing in everything happening family-wide. I was wallowing out of control!

I got into the car on started off for my sister's house in Dana Point. I automatically turned the radio on. I don't listen to the radio like some people do...I like talk radio. I'm not a big fan of listening to radio music. So, for some reason it was on a station that I do not like....AT ALL. It is a "christian" station - but the weirdest one on the planet.

Well, what was playing was obnoxious to me. It was an older sounding preachy type of man quoting scriptures about training up your children and disciplining them or they will "run amok." (Yes, he really said that.)

It started me to thinking about my failures as a parent and giving myself my usual flogging for the wide variety of mistakes I made....wishing I had do-overs...hoping they can survive having had me as a mother....ad nauseum.

I also remembered that no mother in the world loved her children as much as I have.

So I began thinking (dangerous, I know....) about discipline.... I asked the Lord if what I am going through in my life is discipline from Him or not? Because I thought that if it wasn't Him, and it was something evil, then I probably couldn't trust the Lord... and THAT is not an option in my mind.

I said aloud...in the car...on the freeway... "Okay, Lord...WHAT!?" If this is "time-out" in my life, I want to know what you are trying to teach me while I'm standing in the corner...

......and this is where the Lord took over. As I listened He gave me three very clear directions:

•  No more blaming.  I have blamed everyone from myself, my husband and children right on down to the dog and general public for anything negative that has happened. Sometimes the blame is "deserved"... But in the end, it DOESN'T MATTER! I just needed to clear all of the blame out of my mind and heart.   

"Okay...I can do that...what's next?"

• Keep listening.  Ever since I was 16 years old, when the Lord called me to be his, he has spoken to me so very personally. I have had an ongoing conversation with him. However, my listening has been sporadic these days. His voice (not literal) is drowned out by my attention to technology (computer, phone, tv, music....) 

Have you ever been talking to someone and noticed that you have lost their attention to their I-Phone? All you can really do is shut up because even though their voice may be answering you and their head may be nodding, they are not really listening.  

That is what I have been doing with my listening to God... Music is playing, facebook is open, I'm fielding text messages and twittering all while he is trying to speak to me.

"Be still and know that I am God."
"In quietness and trust is your strength."

THAT is what he meant by "keep listening."

• Accept and Abide.  The importance of accepting the discipline the Lord is giving me is key to this for me. 

When my kids were little, their styles were all different. I had some that would instantly learn from their mistakes and the discipline that ensued and rarely do the same thing again. But there were some that would look at me with eyes of rebellion. Their lips would be telling me yes, but their eyes said, "Not on your life!"  One of my kids, even though that one didn't always learn the principle I had hoped for, would get grounded and, after expressing great displeasure, would come to me and say something like, "Ya know, mom, I am glad I am grounded...it will give me a chance to sort out my toys."

I think that is what this "accept" thing means. It is a time to 'sort out my toys' and get rid of the ones that are no longer useful.

...And like it or not....I continue to ABIDE.

I'M FRAPPY HAPPY! ....AND OTHER WEAKNESSES

Okay...I really didn't mention my love of Starbuck's Javachip Frappuccinos for any other reason than I am almost addicted. I'm not fully addicted because if I were, I would be on the streets, like my friend, the Dark Woman. I only get Starbuck's Javachip Frappuccinos when someone buys them for me....

Which brings me to the subject of this blog....what the heck?! I have way more friends than I even THOUGHT! All of a sudden,  my friends are buying me Starbuck's Javachip Frappuccinos and beyond!

Truly, I have been humbled by the love and concern you have for me. Not just for my "addiction" - but for my life in general.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. And I cannot thank you enough for your generosity and outpouring of love. I have always treasured my friends, and lately, have been reminded why.

GIVING VS. RECEIVING

I have been on the side of giving much more than receiving. I must say, it is more comfortable on the "other" side, in so many ways. I was wondering why it is more uncomfortable for me to be on the receiving side... then I read something that Jesus said:

"I've never, as you so well know, had any taste for wealth or fashion. With these bare hands I took care of my own basic needs and those who worked with me. In everything I've done, I have demonstrated to you how necessary it is to work on behalf of the weak and not exploit them. You'll not likely go wrong here if you keep remembering that our Master said, 'You're far happier giving than getting.'"  Acts 20:33-34 The Message

For so long, I have been a "do-it-yourself-er" - in more ways than I knew. I have stubbornly held to the "I can do it myself" mentality. Waiting until my last gasp to ask for help....even from God.

Of course, our strengths are always the same as our weaknesses. I learned this a long time ago...for my kids and husband....but not me.

These songs were pretty much my modus operandi over the years....

I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR! 

On any given day, you may wander by my house or even at work and hear me singing, "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan....."

Really, I am SO not kidding. It isn't that I felt that women were superior or that women were held back in society....it's just that I have always felt strong and, well....invincible.

I have always looked for needs in OTHERS and tried to help them solve THEIR problems and help in different ways. I guess I never considered myself and my need for any help....because - I could do it myself.

....until now. God has brought me to an utterly undone place. Mind you, this place has been lurking for some time and drowned out by my womanly ROAR!  But, through you, my friends, God has led me to this place I have passed over many times....a place that I have ignored the place that shows me that I really do need others.

I'm not sure why, but as I am writing this, my tears are beginning. That bugs me too! I have NO PROBLEM crying over a sad movie or even someone else's need or sorrow. But as I come face to face with my own weakness, it makes me cry. I think it starts as a mad cry, but maybe if I stay with it, the tears will be healing.

Thank you for holding my hand and bringing me here.

ANOTHER DAY....ANOTHER FRAPPUCCINO

Another lovely morning in the land of sunshine and ocean breeze.  And I was all excited to go for my morning walk. The goal was to walk down Bacon, turn left on Santa Monica and stop by the post office to find out why one of my packages has not arrived at its intended destination, order and sip my special treat and go move my car from a block away where I had to park it the night before.

So, with my FREE COUPON in hand, I stopped on Newport and Bacon and ordered a Vente, non-fat, lo-cal, no-whip Java Chip Frappuccino. Pure yummy-ness!

 So far, so good. I walked up Abbott Street and down Long Branch toward my car and then my home. Just as I spied my car, I also spied her. The dark woman. Remember the one that took my frappuccino? Yeah, that one.

As I walked nearer to the corner, guess what the first thing I thought of was?

How is she doing? ...no

Does she have food to eat?  ...no

Has she heard about Jesus?  *sheepishly* ...no

I THOUGHT ABOUT MY FRAPPUCCINO! Yes, I did! I thought, please Lord, don't ask me to give it to her again.

So rather than going to my car, I crossed the street and approached her. She was standing on the corner of Bacon and Long Branch (MY street!)

"Good Morning!"

She returned the greeting while staring off into the distance at something unknown to both of us.

"How is your day going so far?"

"I am waiting for somebody to pick me up." (while munching on dry top ramen noodles)

"Where are you going?"

"I am leaving here. Leaving California! I am going past the point of Mexico..."

"Are you driving to Mexico?"

"No! I said PAST the point of Mexico! All the way down..."

"That's a long drive. Are your friends taking you?"

"Is this an interrogation? I am a lawyer and will arrest you if you don't stop bugging me!" (at this point ramen noodles are falling out of her almost toothless mouth.)

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable with my questions. I was just curious."

"I can put you in jail and you will have to take the stand!"

"I just recognized you from the other day. I met you in the alley."

"Oh, you did? Well, YOUR friend knocked out my front teeth!" (more stray ramens on her chin...)

"Really? Hmmmm....I don't have any friends like that, so it wasn't my friend who did it."

 At this point, I could feel her agitation, so I decided to exit our "friendly" conversation.

"Goodbye. Have a nice trip."

"Thank You - Goodbye" (agitation disappeared.)

I decided to walk down Muir to Cable and approach my house from the other direction and save my car until later.  Secretly, I was nervous that she might take note of my car and I felt a little tiny bit jittery when she raised her voice to me (it could have been the caffeine from the frappuccino.)

Nonetheless, I walked a circuitous route.

I had hoped to see her again. I wanted to know if she would recognize me. I had visions of striking up an unlikely friendship and leading her to Jesus and helping her get off the streets and back to her life and family that she left. It would have made a tear-jerking Lifetime movie.

...and I would have smugly walked off into the sunset. Mother Teresa Cindie saves another life.

Instead, I walked off into the streets of Ocean Beach still sipping on my frappuccino.

A DOLLAR RICHER

I just got back from my morning walk. You see, I am trying to live IN each and every day. So, rather than making excuses, I go for a brisk walk and am always glad I did.

This morning was no different...well, actually it was QUITE different! I mean I was glad I went for the walk, but it was the route that was different. Along that route, God turned one dollar into $10! He also turned my last ten dollars into $1.00.  Miraculous?  I don't really know...YOU be the judge....

I try to travel light, but need my keys & phone, so I have pockets. I was going to drop by the post office to buy stamps and mail a letter, so I took my last $10 bill. I also tucked my debit card into my bra just in case I wanted to pay for the stamps with that and use my last ten dollars to buy my FAVORITE Starbuck's Javachip Frappuccino...just in case...ya never know when that Javachip need will strike and one needs to be ready. But I digress.  At the last second, I shoved a dollar bill that I had into my pocket generously thinking that I would give it to some poor, homeless person - as we have A LOT of them here in Ocean Beach.

So, I briskly walked to the post office on Santa Monica - only a few blocks away. While in line at the post office, I discreetly pulled the debit card out of my bra...feeling that javachip craving beginning...and paid for my stamps with the card, with caffeine and chocolate anticipation on my mind.

Now, if I routed it right, I could have my brisk walk and three blocks away from home, be joyously sipping on my cold Starbuck's Javachip Frappuccino...mmmm....I could almost taste it. In fact, I think it made me walk more vigorously!

I decided to walk all the way down Sunset Cliffs and see where it took me, figuring it ended at the ocean and it did. I had never been down that far yet. It was beautiful. I passed vacationers staying at the Sunset Cliffs Inn and locals out walking their dogs, even a couple having a very serious "discussion" while walking.

On the way back I saw her in the distance. She was what I call, in my mind, one of the "dark people." Black from dirt, carrying a few small bags, very ripped clothing and disconnected from everything around her. She was walking in my direction and I in hers. I passed her, expecting her to ask for money but she just walked on and stared at the ground. I WANTED her to beg for money....then I could magnanimously give her the dollar that I had for her.

So I passed her...and she passed me.... 

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress....."

I passed her...and she passed me....I didn't give her my dollar....she didn't ask for it. I walked on. Wondering why I didn't give her my dollar.

And then God spoke to me..."Turn around and go back."

"Really?!" I argued, "But what if this isn't YOU,  Lord, but just me?"

"But what if it IS me?" he answered. "Besides, if it isn't me, what harm is there in giving?"

"Good point."

So, I headed back. I saw her about a block ahead of me and I lazily prayed that if this was right that she just stop... Instead she turned into an alley. (So much for my magic genie prayer...)  And God told me to give her my $10 bill! My LAST ten dollars! Does he know what he is asking? Crud, now - no Starbuck's Javachip Frappuccino. I trudged on and I found myself hoping that I couldn't find her.

As I rounded the alley, she was down to the first set of trash cans. As I approached her I said, "Good Morning!"

She said with a toothless smile and rather defensively while looking in a trash can, "I am getting my cigarettes. They threw them in there because they don't like me smoking."

Hardly knowing what to say, I looked into her eyes and held out the $10 bill and said, "I feel that I am supposed to give this to you."

"They don't like me smoking." "Thank you."

"God bless you." (I meant it as a prayer rather than to fill the air with something spiritual.)

"Thank you" she said again, as I stared at the few smiling, rotten teeth she had left.

And I turned and left, feeling profoundly humbled by this seemingly small encounter and wondering whether I will ever see her again.

I walked home with a dollar in my pocket that started out as a $10 bill. And my new friend continued down the alley with a $10 bill that God had changed from a one dollar bill.

The money won't buy much for this woman. But maybe she felt loved by God for just a moment. And through my encounter I will pray for her.

I recently watched a riveting documentary called, "The Human Experience" (watched it on Netflix) where several guys experienced many different things around the world in their search for the meaning of life and filmed it. One of the things they did was to experience homelessness on the streets of New York City. Of course, it's not exactly the same, but they got some interesting perspectives. One homeless woman that they interview had this to say:

"When this first happened to me there were 4 dogs on the street…a dog…and everyone was on their cell phone going, "I'll take this dog and we'll take this dog and they all helped the dogs…they all helped the dogs….they took the dogs home so they wouldn't freeze to death and they let me stand there..."

Quoting from one of my favorite books:

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,  I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
   “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?  When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?  When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

    “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

I have a dollar, if anyone wants it. God gave it to me.

THE SUN WILL COME OUT...TODAY!

There are a lot of "buts" in my mind when I read the following:

    ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

   ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

But....isn't it irresponsible to NOT think about the future?  do not worry about your life

But....shouldn't we plan ahead and make sure that there is food on the table? do not worry about what you will eat or drink

But....I want to look nice and I love new clothes - they give me a boost when I'm feeling down...besides - I go to my closet and I don't have anything to wear! And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow....not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these..... will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?
But....But....   

I guess Little Orphan Annie had not been reading this scripture when she sang this:
 

She sings, "When I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin, and grin and say - The sun'll come out tomorrow, so ya gotta hang on 'til tomorrow....it's only a day away!"

I don't think I want to wait until tomorrow, it never comes.

I have really been struck by this 'living in the now' subject recently. My sister has been speaking with me about living today... not in the past or the future... but just today. As I had been ruminating on it for a while, a new friend of mine told me about her surviving cancer. She was telling me about a post treatment retreat she went to where someone challenged her to live TODAY. Not in the past, where cancer was painful and frightening - nor in the future that asks whether the cancer will return...or should she return to work and what shall she do with the rest of this life that she has?


TODAY.... I do think I like the sound of that word. It makes me more relaxed. 

When I say "yesterday" or "tomorrow" I get a tightness in my shoulders from the load that sits there.

So what does this mean for me?

ABIDE  ...there is that pesky little word that keeps returning to me. ABIDE. If you have read anything I have written so far, you know that this subject continues to dog me. I am working hard at paying attention to it.


Back to not worrying about tomorrow... it says that if we worry about this stuff, we are no different from those who worship everything BUT God. The crazy thing is...he already knows that we need them and says he will give them to us as we look at him and his purposes.


It sums it all up with the phrase "Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Darn right it does!

So, for today - I am going to live now and not worry about the future. Apparently, it's already handled.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am still stocking up on Top Ramen when they are 18 cents at Red Apple and am certain to stand in front of my closet and wonder what in the world will I wear that will hide my muffin top, look cute, but not look like I am a 55 year old woman trying to look like a 35 year old.

But maybe I won't worry - oh me of little faith.


P.S. - I would LOVE to hear how some of you live today...some people have a knack for enjoying right now - what are some of the ways you do it?

LIONS AND FIRES AND KINGS, OH MY!

Are you lookin' at ME? I mean, really....what is there to look at? Oh...you mean the mess of my life? I know, I know....you always held me up as an example. But how many times did you see me climbing off of the pedestal you were putting me on?

I just remembered an incident that happened about 32-ish years ago when John was helping to pastor a small church in Burbank. There was a couple who were both wonderfully raw and innocent. They were new to faith in God. We were sitting outside talking after dinner one evening and I must have said something honest about my life (leave it to me to blow my cover...) and she said, with the utmost sincerity, "You mean you are not perfect?"

I still chuckle to remember it because perfection was nowhere in my dreams. I asked her why she would think I was perfect.

She answered with a bit of disappointment in her voice, "I just thought that, after you became a Christian, you would wake up one day and be perfect!" (Don't I wish...)

She truly and sincerely meant it! My explanation of it burst her bubble, but probably relieved her somewhat. But that is something I will never forget. Me. Perfect...HA!

THESE GUYS WERE MUCH CLOSER TO PERFECT

Now, if you want to talk about perfect...these guys were all bounding toward the perfection line.

You know the ones: Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego in the fiery furnace and Daniel in the lions' den. They were pretty well respected in their societal roles. But, they were ALL in trouble in the world's eyes. They were all headed for a place that would cause certain destruction.

However, there are two little phrases that struck me in these stories...

"the God we serve is able..." 

and,

"your God, whom you serve continually."

When the boys were headed into the furnace for refusing to worship idols, they said "the God we serve is able to save us from it..... but even if he does not, we want you to know that we will not serve the idols you have set up."

When Daniel was caught doing the big no-no (praying to the living God) he was thrown into a pit with some very hungry lions. The king (who liked him) was counting on "the God whom you serve continually" to rescue him.... and, of course, you know the end of the stories - they all came out unscathed.

"YOUR GOD, WHOM YOU SERVE CONTINUALLY"

Continually means: without cessation or intermission; unceasingly; always.

 

For me, it means that no matter what my circumstance is, what time of day or week, where I am and with whom, I will trust God. It means that I am still following God when my life seems to be in a mess, I will not stop serving him. It means that it goes without saying that I will make godly decisions and others will already know that because I "serve him continually."

I'm not sure about you, but sometimes, I am just not in the mood to trust God. I have had days lately when I get up in the morning and just say, "Really? Lord? Again? Can you just cut me a break?"

Now mind you, there has never been one moment of time when I thought about NOT following God. Somehow, it is in my DNA. However, do I serve him continually? Or have I bowed down to the idols that have been presented in my life?

I'm going to have to think about that one for awhile, because frankly, my life circumstances have been rather messy lately.

Did you know that Daniel was at least 80 years old when he was tossed into the pit? I suppose I should take comfort in the age part.... but I thought when you got older, you were perfect!

No?

Rats.

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: DROP DEAD OR HAVE PEACE

 Well, it's official, I am stressed! I just took the HOLMES-RAHE LIFE STRESS INVENTORY and am pretty sure I have far surpassed the "drop dead" mark on the stress chart. The website says:

What Your Score Means
When you add up your total number of all the stressors combined, you receive a result of how likely you are to develop a minor, moderate or serious illness in the next two years. Here is the severity scale:
    •    A score of 300 or more, puts you at serious risk of illness or breakdown.
    •    A score of 200-299 puts you a moderate risk of illness, such as headache, diabetes, fatigue, hypertension, chest and back pain, ulcers, and infectious diseases.
    •    A score of 150 or less has you only at a slight risk of illness.

 My score was 738. Bright future, eh?

As I was feeling rather stressed this past week, while in Seattle and graduating one of our sons from college and burying my mother-in-law, I was getting this out-of-the-blue onset of panic and anxiety. If you don't know me then I should tell you - this is not me. I have often and summarily pooh-pooh'd those sort of things with a "just get over it or I will slap you" sort of thinking.

I guess I am the one who needs to be slapped now.

Go back up to the last paragraph where I said "rather stressed" - let's change that to "enormously" to better reflect my score of 738. Anyway, as I was getting ready to walk out the door of my friend's home (who so generously let me stay) I felt like I was not going to be able to get through another moment without bursting into tears and a bundle of nerves.

So I asked the Lord....

I literally only had about 30 seconds, but grabbed my little pink travel Bible and "lucky dipped" (as John calls it) to Isaiah 8:6. I quickly read,

"Because this people has rejected the gently flowing waters of Shiloah..."

So, in that 30 seconds, I quickly remembered that "Shiloah" meant peace. I thanked the Lord for reminding me of the peace He wants to give me, asked Him to show me how I was rejecting His peace and promised to chew on this later.

Later, when I had time (from my stressful week :) I studied the whole passage and learned a lot about what this all meant. Mind you, I do NOT consider myself any sort of Bible scholar whatsoever. But I do like to learn the context of what I am reading.

Shiloah means "gentle, quiet." The root word means "rest."

The waters of Shiloah refer to a small fountain sending forth a little stream to the city of Jerusalem - a brook bubbling up from Mount Zion which flowed quietly and peacefully through the city.

God had provided these peaceful waters while His people were under siege by their enemies. They ridiculed that little brook that ran through Jerusalem and, instead, boasted in their enemies' kings! The very people who were planning their destruction were their heroes!

They were more impressed with the mighty Euphrates river that could give better protection during battle. They looked at their enemies and admired them for their courage and resources.

Of course, this all comes back to: What does this mean for me?

I believe that this river of peace and mercy is flowing within me but I have been rejecting it and replacing it with my own strengths and abilities. I have been admiring the resources of my enemies, while not recognizing what has been provided to me...now.

Psalm 46 says:

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.
and then later:
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”
 The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

So, among all of this chaos in my life, I have a river of peace and rest that flows in me. To reject it means victory for my enemies:  confusion, stress, fear, mistrust, trauma, anxiety, worry, hardship, tension...you get the idea.

To accept the waters of Shiloah means peace. Why would I choose anything else?

UNTIL MY HEARTS RESTS AND TASTES THE SWEETNESS

I have been contemplating what a "worthless idol" is lately.

Okay, I admit, it's not a normal thing to think about, but ever since I read Jonah 2:8  "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs" it has been plaguing my mind.

I read this over a week ago and have been wondering why I haven't been able to write about it yet. I have been wondering why I stand in this "worthless idol" line.... I mean, I worship the One True God... not worthless idols... right?

While thinking about the time this has taken me to even THINK of what this scripture means for me, it hit me.... my "worthless idol" has been DOING.

I have found myself back in the "What am I going to do?" stage. (see ABIDE post) I mean, I have to find a job to take care of myself, right? I am not a very good sit-er around-er. So once again, I feel frantic.

....And, once again, I have put my DOING ahead of ABIDING.

So, what is my idol? As I ponder, I keep coming back to: me. Yes, ME.

Now, don't get me wrong - I don't worship myself or really think of myself as all that dandy... but every time I think of that elusive "job" I can't believe that with my experience and qualifications - someone hasn't snatched me up! After all, I am pretty darn good at what I do... but am I good at what I don't do?

I am beginning to see that my careers have given me a certain sense of significance.

√ In my first career, a student in high school and college I was always on the dean's list, was adored by my parents, teachers AND peers. They were all proud of me and I allowed other people to give me that position of significance.

√ My second career was an interior designer in Beverly Hills. Just reading that YOU are even impressed, aren't you? My mother bragged about me and this career many years after I left that industry.  I finally had to tell her that I was no longer in that field nor did I ever want to go back to the field where I earned my degree.

√ My third career was mother. One I am most proud of. But even being a mother to five children brings its heartaches...and lots of 'em. But my pride in my motherhood was kind of over the top. I created my own significance.

√ Concurrent with motherhood was another career that should have made me feel important and that was Pastor's wife. I loved all of the people that we came into contact with each day (well...most.) But I was not that impressed with myself in that role. I'm not sure why, but maybe that is good.

√ Real Estate Assistant and Marketing manager - loved it.

√ Here's another one: Bookstore Manager for a university. This is where I got so much opportunity and experience. Lots of love there.

√ Co-manager of a Retirement Community - everybody loved me.... significance!

So, here I am, saying "What the heck?" Look at all of my skills! You would be lucky to have me! But as I am looking over it all, I am discovering that there is a much deeper matter here. And that is my "worthless idols."

Mary Bell says, "Achievement is the alcohol of our time."  Am I so impressed with my achievements that I am drunk on myself? Ewww.... I hate the thought of that. And I thought I was so selfless. I guess I'm not.

My achievements have not been monetary, but made me feel like I was worth something.  Frankly, it really surprises me that I am that un-spiritual. I mean, don't I know that my worth comes from God? Yes, I know it in theory....but how about in practice? Yikes. I really cringe at this whole concept.

Look at Jonah, his worth was from his country - that is why he kept silent when his people worshipped carved images.  But God gave him another chance .... in the belly of the giant fish.

...and He is giving me another chance. So I have decided to take Him up on it. How do I do this? I am not sure yet, but I am going to start by repenting and rejoicing.

In his book, Counterfeit Gods, Tim Keller says:

"Rejoicing and repentance must go together. Repentance without rejoicing will lead to despair. Rejoicing without repentance is shallow and will only provide passing inspiration instead of deep change."

He also says:

"To rejoice is to treasure a thing, to assess its value to you, to reflect on its beauty and importance until your heart rests in it and tastes the sweetness of it. "Rejoicing" is a way of praising God until the heart is sweetened and rested, and until it relaxes its grip on anything else it thinks that it needs."

So, for now, I am going to relax my grip on what I think I need and wait for my heart to rest and taste the sweetness....

STANDING IN THE PLACE OF FORGIVENESS

Speaking of forgiveness... today is a very important day in the life of a Christ follower.

It is the day that we commemorate (too sporty), observe (too government-ish), think of (not important enough), remember (simple) the death on the cross of Jesus.

For all of my several more than 50 years, I have "done the Easter thing." You know, get new outfits for me and my family, make sure that the Easter baskets and candy was purchased and ready for the Easter Bunny to deliver them secretly on Easter morning, go to some Easter Egg hunts for the kids, prepare the Easter Ham so it will be ready for dinner on Sunday afternoon. Get up early on Easter and get all five kids ready for church and the big "Eggstravaganza" and Easter production, the kids can't wait to see if the live donkey in the play will poop on stage.

After I finish screaming at one of my kids for eating all of his Easter chocolate and getting it on his outfit, make one trip back home to get the pretty Easter gloves that go with baby girl's outfit, get to church early so we can get cute Easter pictures, but not early enough to get MY parking place and curse under my breath at Sister Jones for taking the last good spot. Pose the kids for their pictures and insist that they smile... By the time I get into church, I have that smile on my face and everyone KNOWS what a wonderful family we are!

After all, it IS Easter...the day that we remember, uhhh...now WHAT is Easter all about? I guess I forgot in all of my celebration of it.

FORGIVENESS

That is what we are remembering. Oh, and what a thing to remember! To know that there was one who stood in the place where we should have stood.

Many years ago, I was having a particularly hard time with this concept of forgiveness. I knew I needed to forgive the man who wounded my children, but for the life of me, could NOT imagine how a mother could do that. Furthermore, I didn't WANT to.

So I asked the Lord. He always answers me.

"I don't want to forgive that man." "I hate him and what he did to so many children." "I don't even want to WANT to forgive him."

Then he said "Stand in the place of forgiveness like my Son did."

Huh?

When Jesus hung on the Cross, he didn't look down at all of humanity and say, "I forgive you." He said, "Father, forgive them, they do not know what they are doing."

Just like he was asking me to do, Jesus "stood in the place of forgiveness!" He asked the Father to forgive FOR him.

Jesus may not have FELT forgiveness for those who tortured him at the time. He was human with human emotions. It is possible that he was just human enough not to FEEL very forgiving at that moment. But he was willing to stand in the place where the Father asked him to stand. His words asked THE FATHER to forgive.

For me, this was a glimpse into the humanity of Jesus and His obedience to the Father.

So, FORGIVENESS for me is not a thing I do, but a choice I make for life, so that I and my children will live. I may SAY "I forgive you," but what I really mean is that I am standing in the place where my Father asked me to stand and asking Him to forgive for me.

It is so much simpler than I thought!

HOLDING THE COATS

My heart may be happy, but there are many who do not have any reference to happiness in their lives. Sometimes it is from choice, but sometimes it is from choices foisted upon them by others.

Take Linda, for instance. I attended Dilworth Junior High School in Sparks, Nevada. All of 7th and 8th grade Linda was tormented by others. I guess today, it would be called bullying.

Each recess time, groups would circle around Linda and call her horrible names, throw rocks and anything they could find and keep her captive within that circle of jeering pubescent teenagers.

Did I participate? Well, the people of the Sanhedrin "laid their coats at the feet of a young man named Saul," and he stood by and watched.

By not participating, I participated.

I would never have shouted or thrown anything...my mother taught me better than that. But she forgot to teach me what it meant to watch someone suffer and do nothing.

For many years it haunted me. I prayed that I would find her and two others who suffered like her. I took full responsibility for it. Of course, I probably could not have stopped the kids from destroying her day by day, but I may have given her a glimmer of hope that someone cared...but I didn't, so I knew that I was as responsible as any one of the others.

I told the Lord that if I ever found any of them that I would apologize and ask forgiveness.

Through the wonders of facebook, one day I did find Linda. I knew that this was my chance to show her some love and perhaps get the forgiveness I needed. So I exchanged a short series of messages with her. And I quote:

Me:

Are you the Linda that used to go to Dilworth Junior High School? I have been looking for someone with this name for awhile. If you are the one that was tall and thin and attended that school, please email me. I have an apology to make.

Linda

Yes How did you know? that was a real long time ago.

Me:

I have never forgotten you and here is why. I remember kids making fun of you and I wasn't really sure why. You were real spunky and fought back. I admired you for that.
Anyway, I was not one of those that said mean things, but I stood by and let it happen without standing up for you. It has weighed on me all of these years and I promised myself and God that if I ever found you, I would ask your forgiveness for not saying anything and letting those stupid and cruel kids do and say what they did.
I always wondered where and how you ended up because of the trauma of junior high.
So, now is my chance to ask your forgiveness for allowing this to happen. Will you forgive me?
I know you probably don't even remember me - and that's okay, I just want to let you know that someone did care - just too late.
Thanks for responding to me. I really appreciate it.

Linda

Yes I do forgive you. I really appreicate you coming forward to me at this time. It took alot for you to find me. But im glad you did. I hope we can talk again Id really like to know what you are doing now adays. Im working as an assistant manager of a convience store, and I do preservation work on the side. My email address is (deleted for privacy). I have a dog named squeaker and 2 cats one is named spats and the other is named misty. I live in Summerfield, Florida I do karaoke, along with my busy schedule. I feel you were real sincere to me. I appreciate you very much. Its nice to know that you care about me after all of these years.

And just like that, I was forgiven! No penalties given and because of her sweet forgiveness, my guilt was gone...

What a lesson we could all learn from her open heart and quickness to forgive what had to be a very painful time in her life.

I CHOOSE JOY

I have a lot to say about JOY....a LOT. But I won't say it all today. I just feel like I need to revisit the choice I made for joy many years ago.

You see, I had a lot to be grim about. When two of my precious children were very young, they were molested by a Sunday School teacher. Without going into details, it was a long and costly trial in San Diego County and the man was acquitted. Not innocent, just acquitted.

Run! Here comes that person!

In those years of deep heartache - every time someone asked me how I was, I would tell them...and it wasn't pretty. I was becoming "that person" that people started to be afraid to approach. I was always looking on the dark side of the situation.

One day, I was in one of my conversations with the Lord, and was asking Him how I could feel safe in leaving them anywhere again. I knew that we had made our Sunday School very safe and I always had been over and above careful about where and with whom I left them...but it was still very scary. And I did not know how to navigate those waters.

The children were afraid as well. What I didn't realize is that they were afraid because I was showing them how to be afraid. Everything I did during that time was out of fear and sadness in response to the evil that was perpetrated upon them.

So, I ran into my strong tower and asked for direction. This is what I got.

"...I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live..."

He made it clear to me that as I chose life, I was choosing it for my children as well. But he did give me a choice.

I cannot tell you how that set me free! I was able to choose life rather than the fear that had been with me for so long. In setting me free, it set my children free from the clutches of this evil as well. I let them know that this did not define their lives. They could choose joy too.

In the following year, my theme was "Choose Joy!" I wrote it on my mirror, I carried around notes, I even had a rock that said "Joy" on it.

When I would start to turn toward fear (death) I would consciously choose to respond to things in a joyful manner. Yes, sometimes I was faking it, but I soon felt the joy that I had not been participating in.

What does this mean for me in my current journey?

There are SO MANY things that I could justifiably be fearful about during this time. But I will not.

I will wake up each day and choose the joy that is set before me...it is LIFE.

ABIDE

ABIDE.... just saying the word settles in my mouth like so much creamy dark chocolate.

It makes my mind think of peace and it actually makes me FEEL peaceful. It isn't forced or phony, it's just...well...ABIDE.

It sounds so organic and natural. I guess I like that word...ABIDE.

The definition for ABIDE says, "continue without fading or being lost."

Once when my son was unusually peaceful, he was asked, "Whatcha doin' Andy?" He said, "Nothin'....just livin'.

He was ABIDING.

That's what I asked my soul recently and I had no answer. I had no idea what I was doing. I was not abiding, I was fading and becoming lost.

I am a gardener. I haven't gardened in many years, but still stop and breathe deeply when I smell freshly tilled soil or herbs wafting through the air. Once you are a gardener, you think differently, at least I did. The soil and the growth of vegetation become analogies from which to draw pictures of life. I guess because it is life.

As I wondered what it meant to ABIDE, naturally, I began to think of the earth and things that grew from it. Then I remembered in the scripture where it said that Jesus is the vine and we are the branches and if we ABIDE and make our home in Him, we will bear much fruit, but if we separate ourselves from Him, we will wither.

Of course, it made me think of my garden. As long as my plants were in one piece, they would flourish, but when a shoot or a branch would get broken off, try as I might, but I could not get it to take sustenance from the original stem.

As I was questioning what ABIDE really meant for me, I realized that as long as I derived my "nutrition" from the main vine - my life is supported. But when I try to take off on my own strength, which I am known to do, I will eventually starve.

ABIDE.

This quest all started when last week I began to get frantic about what I should do about a job now that I am here in San Diego.

I did not sleep all night and all I could think was, "What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do?"

In the morning I cried "uncle" and asked God what I was missing. What did HE think I should do? The quiet word came back to me, "ABIDE."

I had NO idea what in the world that meant. As I began to think of coming here originally and not having a car, a job, or a permanent place to live. I started in my frantic mode and thought how can I get a car without a job and how can I get a job without a car and how can I get an apartment without a job and how can I get a job without an apartment....

The Lord reminded me that He provided a car. He took care of an apartment...and will take care of my sustenance.

So, for now, I sit at a cafe at the beach, drink my mocha, watch the waves and the surfers.... I will continue without fading or being lost...

...and ABIDE.