perfect

  “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.”  

― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life 

I have been contemplating this ever so true quote by Anne Lamott for awhile now, knowing I have something to say about it, but did not know what.

....and then today I was reminded by someone that I am a human and don't need to be perfect. Seems obvious that I should know that. I do, but my responsive thinking takes over and I start thinking I actually had control over circumstances.

I never did have that control. Only control over how I responded. And that is something that can NEVER be taken from any of us.

My life habit for so long now has been to suck it up and keep a strong exterior...a stiff upper lip, as it were... not showing emotions because I wouldn't want to set a bad example. But I am no longer that person. I am shedding the unspoken, beneath-the-surface belief that if I do it "just right" things will turn out perfectly.

I did. And it doesn't.

I hit all of those stepping stones just right and it still did not turn out perfectly.

Yesterday was one of the most imperfect days that I have had recently. There were several things that tipped my day towards the dark side, but I righted myself and shook it off...  until... I found out quite by accident that two of my adult children are in jail. Today. Now.

At that point I missed one of those stepping stones that Lamott talks about, and fell into the creek. I went through the gamut of emotions all in the course of 5 hours. 

I felt guilty *after all, I am their mother, I must have done something wrong* 

I felt sad *I never thought I would see this happen to these beautiful children that God gave me*

i felt angry *Angry at what should have been and wasn't; Angry at their choices despite what they have been taught*

I felt hard and cold *There is nothing more I can do, so I steel myself* *And then felt guilty for not falling completely apart*

So here I sit...imperfect, powerless and thankful. 

THANKFUL?

Yes, you know...grateful. Relieved because I no longer have to sink my teeth into trying so hard to get it right. I just have to be. 

I have lived for so many years under the burden of being a good example for others and needing to get it right so you would know the "right" way to do it. I suppose that hidden underneath was an ego thing that believed my own press.

When you called me and said what a great mother, person, example, Christian, friend I was and placed me up on that "perfect" pedestal - I think I started believing somewhere deep inside that I had to keep that up so I would not disappoint you.

Trouble is, once I started spinning those plates, they were awfully hard to keep them all going at once... I worked against the inevitable that they would eventually fall and shatter. Sure, I kept them going for awhile, but once one started to falter...they all did. It cannot be avoided...I couldn't keep them all spinning forever...I just didn't know how to stop...which ones to let fall...so I kept frantically trying.

So, those of you that thought I was superhuman...now you know! My plates are all shattered on the ground and I feel proud that I let them fall.

I am so very sorry that some of my children and others in my life are making the choices they are making, but those plates have fallen as well.

I am thankful.

I am full of joy.

I am bare, raw, and beautifully naked and grateful to be so.