What comes first? Grief or forgiveness?

Grief....Forgiveness...

More grief...more forgiveness....

What comes first? Grief or forgiveness? 

It swirls around in my head. The thoughts. The emotions. The unspecific grief. The profound disappointments.

All part of my life. I struggle to find them out. I search to define...

Grief - I lost my champion to death in 2004 in my earthly Father. He's gone. I lost the one who believed in me THE MOST to death in 2011 in my Mother. She's gone. Because of them, I will always stand up for and believe in myself. But it's not the same as having someone, somewhere that you KNOW beyond a doubt...who is at the head of your parade and waving a flag!

I have grieved their deaths. But I have not grieved the loss of my only defenders in life. The two who truly believed in me. They just KNEW I could do it. I felt it. 

There has never been, before or since, anyone to stand up for me. Not anyone. I didn't realize that until this morning during my run and subsequent shower. It just hit me like an epiphany....and, of course, the tears flowed as they washed down the drain with my shampoo.

I have come to a place where I know I must forgive some very specific people. But as I am asking God about it, I realize that I must grieve the losses before I can even know WHAT to forgive.

I am seeing that it isn't the actions of those that I need to forgive, but the disappointments that I have experienced. I am learning that whether or not they are to blame is quite beside the point.

There are a thousand actions that were wrong and against me, maybe even ten thousand. But it isn't the actions I need to forgive, but the people themselves.

That will come as I grieve the profound disappointments in my life. Penetrating disappointments.

Be patient with me as I navigate this alone, with divine guidance. As I free myself from this captivity of unforgiveness.

I will walk in freedom.