Okay, now I'm in a different frame of mind. Last week was a full moon and my outlook was dreary... I'm better now, thankyouverymuch!
I moped around all week long, until Friday I decided to get out of my mope zone and knock it off. I had started wallowing. Wallowing in my recent circumstance, wallowing in this "what the heck is going on?" thought process, and wallowing in everything happening family-wide. I was wallowing out of control!
I got into the car on started off for my sister's house in Dana Point. I automatically turned the radio on. I don't listen to the radio like some people do...I like talk radio. I'm not a big fan of listening to radio music. So, for some reason it was on a station that I do not like....AT ALL. It is a "christian" station - but the weirdest one on the planet.
Well, what was playing was obnoxious to me. It was an older sounding preachy type of man quoting scriptures about training up your children and disciplining them or they will "run amok." (Yes, he really said that.)
It started me to thinking about my failures as a parent and giving myself my usual flogging for the wide variety of mistakes I made....wishing I had do-overs...hoping they can survive having had me as a mother....ad nauseum.
I also remembered that no mother in the world loved her children as much as I have.
So I began thinking (dangerous, I know....) about discipline.... I asked the Lord if what I am going through in my life is discipline from Him or not? Because I thought that if it wasn't Him, and it was something evil, then I probably couldn't trust the Lord... and THAT is not an option in my mind.
I said aloud...in the car...on the freeway... "Okay, Lord...WHAT!?" If this is "time-out" in my life, I want to know what you are trying to teach me while I'm standing in the corner...
......and this is where the Lord took over. As I listened He gave me three very clear directions:
- No more blaming. I have blamed everyone from myself, my husband and children right on down to the dog and general public for anything negative that has happened. Sometimes the blame is "deserved"... But in the end, it DOESN'T MATTER! I just needed to clear all of the blame out of my mind and heart.
"Okay...I can do that...what's next?"
- Keep listening. Ever since I was 16 years old, when the Lord called me to be his, he has spoken to me so very personally. I have had an ongoing conversation with him. However, my listening has been sporadic these days. His voice (not literal) is drowned out by my attention to technology (computer, phone, tv, music....)
Have you ever been talking to someone and noticed that you have lost their attention to their I-Phone? All you can really do is shut up because even though their voice may be answering you and their head may be nodding, they are not really listening.
That is what I have been doing with my listening to God... Music is playing, facebook is open, I'm fielding text messages and twittering all while he is trying to speak to me.
"Be still and know that I am God."
"In quietness and trust is your strength."
THAT is what he meant by "keep listening."
- Accept and Abide. The importance of accepting the discipline the Lord is giving me is key to this for me.
When my kids were little, their styles were all different. I had some that would instantly learn from their mistakes and the discipline that ensued and rarely do the same thing again. But there were some that would look at me with eyes of rebellion. Their lips would be telling me yes, but their eyes said, "Not on your life!" One of my kids, even though that one didn't always learn the principle I had hoped for, would get grounded and, after expressing great displeasure, would come to me and say something like, "Ya know, mom, I am glad I am grounded...it will give me a chance to sort out my toys."
I think that is what this "accept" thing means. It is a time to 'sort out my toys' and get rid of the ones that are no longer useful.
...And like it or not....I continue to ABIDE.
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