SHAT UPON

I should have known. 
I did know
But I hoped.....

I saw that little one before even her 

mother did. 

I cried as I saw the crown of her head emerging from her mother's body. 
I saw it first. 
I cried first.

I will cry for her my whole life...

I saw the fear in the hospital staff's eyes and their quick movements when she came out purple from a cord around the neck....


I sang her the first lullaby she will ever hear....

I gave her the first bath she will ever have.....

 









Her mother let her stay just long enough to fall in love








Her mother let her stay just long enough to make the ripping away hurt the worst.

Her mother let her stay just long enough that when she is grown, she will feel a missing piece where her Granny belongs.

Her young and impulsive mother is taking this precious baby into parts unknown without protection, without a plan, without a purpose.

The pain of this cruelty is almost unbearable.

The pain is NOT the anticipation of missing my Granddaughter, but knowing that she has no earthly protector and that she is already headed for dangerous circumstances. The mother has already proven what her first concern is and it is not the child.

But it is happening and we have absolutely no control over her foolish life choices.

I am usually armed with answers, but this one has left me without. My feelings are all over the place. 
I am:

• Sad
• Angry
• Scared
• Hardened
• Vulnerable
• Ugly inside
• Protective

This is one of the songs I sang to her every day. I started to sing it to her after her mother told us that we weren't good enough for her and HER baby and it caught in my throat when I got to the part where I sang "I could never live without you....." 

____________________________________________________

Funny thing is - rescuing her mother from the dangerous circumstances in Washington was NOT my idea. I had vowed NEVER to try to rescue or help her again (long story....LONG story). I had been shat upon so many times before, that I had to protect myself....

Crime and jail came into the picture as well as a repeat felon and heroin addicted boyfriend, now in prison but still madly in love....

Meth came into the picture.....
then the baby came into the picture....yes, pregnant while still addicted.
Which, of course, changed everything.

I did try to be a hard, cold bitch.... but I could not look past the fact that an innocent baby would be coming into this world and be raised by an impulsive child.

So, with permission from the mother, I swooped in again.... used my resources and had hope.... so much hope. Mother moved home with us and started school and was not asked to do anything but take care of her sweet baby...... but that was not good enough, so she quit school, hated on the two people who gave her shelter, love, respect and another chance....

and now she is running again.

Am I sorry I rescued her?
You bet I am! 

You can say what you want, but when your heart has been cruelly broken as many devastating times as mine has....you just want to leave them all behind and not give your address or phone number.

So, after a week long shitstorm, I am ever so ready to let her go..... again. 

But my tears will not stop for that innocent life.