Gratitude For Years….Still Unafraid

Well, here I am. Sitting in an adjustable hospital bed. Not unpleasant, just not where I expected to be.

Before you get all worried, please know that I continue to trust God. 

I’ll try to delicately tell you about it without all the references to my bodily functions.

 

At the end of June (2022), I had my entire girlie parts removed because of uterine cancer. I was clear with no signs of anything leftover. I was unafraid then and I am unafraid now.

 

The beginning of November I began to have pain in my “nether regions”. The doc said it was probably just constipation (I can’t believe I just wrote that word…) Without going into detail, she was right…. Sorta.

 

After 2 months of constant pain and being in bed (THAT is not my jam!) I finally got a doc that really explored what was going on. 

 

*Quick note: If you know me very well, you know that going to doctors are not my thing. I would rather find out the root of the problem and take care of it as naturally as possible… but God had another plan. *

 

The CT scans, the MRI and the biopsy showed that there is a 6.2 cm mass above my vaginal cuff. (I’ll bet you didn’t even know you have a cuff there did you? Me neither.) That mass is bulging into the bowel/rectum (I can’t believe I am using these nasty words…) thereby create a pretty serious stoppage. What got me to the emergency room is a suspicion of sepsis. (spoiler alert….it was not that….)

 

The biopsy done on the mass showed cancer. So I have surgery scheduled for Tuesday at 1:00-ish.

 

Now the fun part – I just trust God…. And you can’t change my mind. Psalm 31 says:

 

“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

This I declare about the Lord:

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

    he is my God, and I trust him. “

 

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Soooo, here I sit in room# 126 in Tucson Medical Center being grateful that God allows me to trust him! 

• Scared? Nope
• Pain? Yep! Lots…
• Do I know the plan? Yep! “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jer. 29:11.

And that, my friends, is ALL I need to know.

 

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Gratitude for years…..

 

I’ve been trying to figure out why it is that I feel so much gratitude for this past year’s introduction to and living with cancer. I have always felt that if I just said the word “cancer” that would bring it on and jinx me somehow.

 

Here is the story: On May 5^th, I discovered some random bleeding from my girlie bits. Since it didn’t stop, I went to the doc and they discovered it was uterine (aka: endometrial) cancer. The solution was to rid me of my girlie bits and hope it worked! Well, June 28^th, I did just that and the follow-up biopsy confirmed the cancer was gone! 

 

The whole time leading up to that, I was unafraid and at complete peace no matter what. I didn’t conjure it up, it just was. God gave that peace to me. In fact, I felt it was important to start thinking more about what I leave behind on this earth. I had (and still have) a lot of things that mean much to me but absolutely NOTHING to anyone else in this world. I still have a ways to go but the purging has started.

 

After that, for the next four months, I was almost back to normal. I say almost because at my age, my body didn’t want to “bounce” back the way I had imagined it would… but overall, I felt pretty great. 

 

In November, I started getting all clogged up. The oncologist that did the June surgery said I was just constipated. So I went to work getting UN-constipated! November through mid-January saw me in bed, in pain most of the time. 

Finally, on Monday, January 9^th, my friend Lisa, took me to ER at TMC. After two doctors had called them to pre-admit me and they would not, I painfully waited in the waiting room for 6 hours to get a bed! They said it was too crowded. (There were VERY few people when I came in, but after awhile, there were so many waiting.) As I was finally being wheeled to a room, there were dozens of empty beds. 

 

I finally was settled into the TMC Women’s Center for the next week until they finally decided that they needed to remove the cancerous mass (see above for details.) 

So, January 24^th, I was released to figure things out.

 

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So, here I am again. Still kickin’, albeit a bit slower and weaker…

 

Today I am entertaining uninvited tears that come at any odd moment. This is not something that I am accustomed to so writing about it may not be easy either.

What has been happening to my body is unfamiliar and unkind to a woman who has always behaved convincingly as a rootin’ tootin’ wonder woman!

 

My song in life is that I trust God. I really do! I have always relied on that one fact. So why do I feel like I am betraying that trust when I cry? I know I’m not, because I cannot think of a time in my ever-aging life that I have not trusted God. Not. one. moment.

 

My friends and family have been so very loving and kind. The prayers that you all have promised help immensely! I am ever so humbled by my friends – even those I didn’t know ever thought about me. 

 

But when I get alone, the tears come in place of the usual prayers of thankfulness. I’m still grateful, but are tears still ok? I’ve been told they are necessary… is that true? I prefer to cry on my own terms, but there is no room for that in my current circumstance.

 

So, what is wrong with me physically? Not sure anymore. Did they get all of the cancer? Don’t know yet…  Am I in pain? Some, but the drugs I do not love to take are keeping the pain in control.  I’m still weak from the life-altering surgery and need to do some pretty heavy self-talk to get myself back under control.

My main problem right now is trying to make friends with Petunia, my colostomy. I’m grateful that there is such thing that saves people’s lives, but it is so mortifying to have this as a possible long-term attachment. 

I have NEVER been “depressed” in my life – but I suppose this is the closest thing to it. I will not allow it to take hold, 

....but for now I just may let the tears flow.