UNTIL MY HEARTS RESTS AND TASTES THE SWEETNESS

I have been contemplating what a "worthless idol" is lately.

Okay, I admit, it's not a normal thing to think about, but ever since I read Jonah 2:8  "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs" it has been plaguing my mind.

I read this over a week ago and have been wondering why I haven't been able to write about it yet. I have been wondering why I stand in this "worthless idol" line.... I mean, I worship the One True God... not worthless idols... right?

While thinking about the time this has taken me to even THINK of what this scripture means for me, it hit me.... my "worthless idol" has been DOING.

I have found myself back in the "What am I going to do?" stage. (see ABIDE post) I mean, I have to find a job to take care of myself, right? I am not a very good sit-er around-er. So once again, I feel frantic.

....And, once again, I have put my DOING ahead of ABIDING.

So, what is my idol? As I ponder, I keep coming back to: me. Yes, ME.

Now, don't get me wrong - I don't worship myself or really think of myself as all that dandy... but every time I think of that elusive "job" I can't believe that with my experience and qualifications - someone hasn't snatched me up! After all, I am pretty darn good at what I do... but am I good at what I don't do?

I am beginning to see that my careers have given me a certain sense of significance.

√ In my first career, a student in high school and college I was always on the dean's list, was adored by my parents, teachers AND peers. They were all proud of me and I allowed other people to give me that position of significance.

√ My second career was an interior designer in Beverly Hills. Just reading that YOU are even impressed, aren't you? My mother bragged about me and this career many years after I left that industry.  I finally had to tell her that I was no longer in that field nor did I ever want to go back to the field where I earned my degree.

√ My third career was mother. One I am most proud of. But even being a mother to five children brings its heartaches...and lots of 'em. But my pride in my motherhood was kind of over the top. I created my own significance.

√ Concurrent with motherhood was another career that should have made me feel important and that was Pastor's wife. I loved all of the people that we came into contact with each day (well...most.) But I was not that impressed with myself in that role. I'm not sure why, but maybe that is good.

√ Real Estate Assistant and Marketing manager - loved it.

√ Here's another one: Bookstore Manager for a university. This is where I got so much opportunity and experience. Lots of love there.

√ Co-manager of a Retirement Community - everybody loved me.... significance!

So, here I am, saying "What the heck?" Look at all of my skills! You would be lucky to have me! But as I am looking over it all, I am discovering that there is a much deeper matter here. And that is my "worthless idols."

Mary Bell says, "Achievement is the alcohol of our time."  Am I so impressed with my achievements that I am drunk on myself? Ewww.... I hate the thought of that. And I thought I was so selfless. I guess I'm not.

My achievements have not been monetary, but made me feel like I was worth something.  Frankly, it really surprises me that I am that un-spiritual. I mean, don't I know that my worth comes from God? Yes, I know it in theory....but how about in practice? Yikes. I really cringe at this whole concept.

Look at Jonah, his worth was from his country - that is why he kept silent when his people worshipped carved images.  But God gave him another chance .... in the belly of the giant fish.

...and He is giving me another chance. So I have decided to take Him up on it. How do I do this? I am not sure yet, but I am going to start by repenting and rejoicing.

In his book, Counterfeit Gods, Tim Keller says:

"Rejoicing and repentance must go together. Repentance without rejoicing will lead to despair. Rejoicing without repentance is shallow and will only provide passing inspiration instead of deep change."

He also says:

"To rejoice is to treasure a thing, to assess its value to you, to reflect on its beauty and importance until your heart rests in it and tastes the sweetness of it. "Rejoicing" is a way of praising God until the heart is sweetened and rested, and until it relaxes its grip on anything else it thinks that it needs."

So, for now, I am going to relax my grip on what I think I need and wait for my heart to rest and taste the sweetness....