MISUNDERSTOOD

One of the things that I learned about myself through attending Lifeskills International Classes is that I have been often misunderstood throughout my life.

By that I mean that my motivation is not always clear when I say or do something. As a child, when something I did or said was misunderstood, I just clammed up and got embarrassed and was so surprised that I didn't even know how to try to make someone understand. As time went on, I simply let "them" think whatever they wanted and figured that my feelings about the situation didn't matter.

What happened to my emotions were that they were slowly being sealed up. As time went on, I just figured my feelings did not matter and stuck them on the back burner.

One of my most memorable misunderstandings was in 2nd grade...when President John F. Kennedy was shot and we got the tragic news in the middle of our school day.

It's hard to explain my thinking that day, but imagine the logic part of my 7 year old brain being fully developed (I'm sure it wasn't, but my thought process is still quite clear to me....)

So, Mrs. Stewart gets up in front of the classroom and between sobs, announces that our president has been assassinated. The whole class starts crying....all but me. In my mind, as I looked around I thought, "Why are they all crying?! They are only in 2nd grade! They probably don't even know what a president is!"

I remember thinking that the second graders were too young to understand this or anything else political. [I REALLY did think that!]  But my big mistake was to start quietly laughing at the whole idea of the kids crying over something they had no understanding of...

Since Mrs. Stewart could not see inside my head (and at this point it would not have mattered) .... she was NOT amused. She bawled me out in front of the whole class because she thought I was laughing at the president being shot. I had no answer to her because how does a child explain a thought process? I was quietly mortified.

Misunderstood.

When I was about 10 years old, our family was having our devotion time together and my dad was reading some scripture about John leaping in his mother's womb. In my mind, as I was picturing it...it was a funny scene and I commented on the scene in my head, but nobody thought it was funny. I got summarily scolded in front of the whole family and was embarrassed and froze up rather than being able to explain.

Misunderstood.

There have been so many things, even throughout my adult life, that have been misunderstood by others. For awhile I tried to defend my reasons for doing or saying what I did, but mostly I just stayed quiet.

I am at a place in my life right this moment, where there are many people who are misunderstanding me. They don't understand why or how a marriage of 36 years could fall apart so quickly. They aren't in my head nor have they walked in my shoes. It has not been quick and it has not been easy. I am just....

Misunderstood.

I have become more and more okay with the uninformed judgments of others....even some of who I thought were my good friends. I don't love it, but I have no choice. To try to explain everything would hurt others, so I just quietly feel misunderstood. I know in my head and my heart that my thinking is not so flawed after all and I am still that second grade girl wishing she had kept her emotions inside so she would not have had to suffer the judgment of Mrs. Stewart.