naked humility

I keep thinking of this phrase: Naked Humility - I'm not sure why, but as I write this blog, I hope to discover it.

I looked up the definition of "naked" in Merriam Webster's dictionary:

: not covered by clothing : nude
: devoid of customary or natural covering : bare
: not provided with a shade
: lacking foliage or vegetation
: lacking an external covering (as of hair, feathers, or shell)
: scantily supplied or furnished
: lacking embellishment
: unadorned
: unarmed, defenseless
: lacking confirmation or support
: devoid of concealment or disguise
: unaided by any optical device or instrument
: not backed by the writer's ownership of the commodity contract or security

Not sure I am even going to get through this one this morning.... because as I am reading this, my tears are flowing.... really flowing.... and I didn't expect it.

For many years in my adult life I had a recurring dream and I never knew what it was all about. In writing this, I am starting to get an idea of what that possibly meant. I think it was prophetic.

My dream was that I was walking into church with a smile and I was naked. Upon walking in, I felt innocently happy to be there and didn't think anything about it...until people started looking at me. At which time I became embarrassingly conscious of my unclothed body. As I would try to cover one area, another area was exposed. In my dreams I worked very hard at covering the parts of my body because all of a sudden, I was very conscious of the church people looking
....staring
....judging.

The dream always just ended. There was no resolve...just faded out.

Just this moment, I am getting a clearer picture of this, because in recent months and years I have been experiencing the stares of the church people at my

NAKED HUMILITY.

It may help to know that my ENTIRE life, up until now, my home has been a fish bowl. Simply put, because of the positions of my father and husband, I was viewable from every angle. It didn't bother me so much but now I see some of the drawbacks of not having any "clothes" on.

As I allowed myself to be viewed from every angle in my perfect little fishbowl world, I also allowed the criticisms and "loving" suggestions into my life. In my world, I thought I had control over it. I fooled myself for a very, very long time thinking my life was private and no one could see my undone-ness.

So now I have come to a place in my life where I am humanly: unarmed, defenseless, lacking confirmation or support, devoid of concealment or disguise, not backed by the writer's ownership of the commodity contract or security.

and I am

HUMBLED AND UNCOVERED.